Friday, October 26, 2012

Forgiving oneself is the hardest thing........

We all make mistakes. Some minor, some major and some utterly disastrous. But making mistakes is easy; the difficult part is when you have to forgive yourself for it.......

After every mistake that one knows one has committed there is this whole cycle that begins. First is denial- it was not my fault, it could have been any one, just my bad luck..... One can form a highly un-penetrative shield of such phases to shun the guilt that may follow. 

Second, comes the blame game- It was his fault, she is the culprit; I was used and etc, etc... The shield might have weakened now but one is still pointing fingers.

Third phase is the acceptance. It may come to you in a blow or maybe a metaphor might suddenly take a new meaning for you and you realize that while pointing one finger at someone you were pointing three at yourself. And the final and hardest part, ‘forgiving oneself’ begins. 

In my case, let’s say I screwed up big time (pardon the slang). And that too at the most crucial point in my life (so far). And my life is pretty messed up now because of that. I have always been a focused student and I knew what I had to do in life since the third grade, but in the 12th grade I lost my focus,I lost myself in a big way and ended up in a B-grade college. I know this is not the end of life but every time I look back a huge wave of guilt and remorse hits me. I know I could have done a lot better but I didn't. Also, some crazy things happened during that time that shook me hard but still, I think I could have handled it all differently. 
So, as there is nothing I can do to change it, I will just have to forgive myself.Oprah defines forgiveness as: 

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”-Oprah Winfrey
        And that what I am trying to do, I am just gonna give up the hope that the past could have been any different........

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