Fall and Rise

 Today, I found a white hair. 

If you are not me, you might just balk at me making a mountain out of this seemingly regular thing. But if you are me, you know how big of an earth shattering instance this is. For context, I check my hair regularly and always exclaim -- not mine -- when I see a white hair anywhere on me. It is the one slap of aging that I dread most. I never claimed I am well adjusted.

Yet, what was truly striking about this one hair was that it was white at the end and black after about an inch. The hair follicle didn't lose pigment permanently, it just lost it for a bit and then recovered. I got my hair cut in August 2023. It is February 2024. This means the damage happened in 2023. Well, my whole being was traumatized in 2023 and all that I went through mentally did show signs physically. I gained 20 pounds in 5 months. I have dark circles even on the corner of my eyes. I have 3-4 friends, and no real close ones. My family tests my limits of patience most times. All the despair, inadequacy, fear, and pain I feel every single day has physical manifestations too. 

It turned black too. It recovered. I can recover too. I am taking supplements everyday, drinking water (who could have guessed that would have helped! XD), and slowly trying to get back to exercise even though all my muscles are killing me. My knees curse me every single day. I hope to do them justice. But I believe I can overcome, it just might take time.

Also, tomorrow is the stupid V day. 30 years, 30 lonely V days. I want to say I hate this day, but I don't. It has no significance for me, whatsoever. Even when I wasn't single, it didn't mean anything. And it will be fine if it never does. I always dreamed of becoming independent and living my own life on my own terms. I have achieved that path. I never prayed or asked for love or a partner. I have realized I felt the happiest (my level, which is always lower than the regular level) when I was at my prime. When my body was functioning great, I looked great, I felt energetic, light and fast, when I went to the gym everyday and gave it my all. That's what I want. I want to complete a marathon, and not just complete, I want to be sub-3 hours. I want to run a 5K in 20mins. That's what I dream of now. I want to wear a long skirt with a beautiful top and feel pretty for myself. I want to lift heavy things and drive myself cross-country. I want to buy a house and a car. I want to see the world and experience new things. Men never fit into my life and maybe they never will, but I never needed them anyways. 

I will recover. I am healing, one day at a time.