Precisely what I want

I often dream of the What Ifs

What if he said this and I said that 

What if he too felt the same and told me so

What if I had the courage to take the first steps

What if I had chosen differently

What if he was the one..........

But deep down I know these are fantasies, a coping mechanism of my ever-present state of loneliness. As you know, dear reader (if you exist), that I have always felt incredibly alone. All throughout childhood, youth, and now supposedly mid life. And, I always used to dream of scenarios that were wishful of a happier existence. When I was bullied as a child, called ugly by pretty much everyone, and basically treated poorly by peers and adults alike, I dreamed of an adventure far away from all those folks.

Not much has changed today. I dream of making different decisions that I did. I dream of a past where I was not lonely. I wish I didn't choose him. I wish that he rose up to the challenges and fought for me. I wish I was better so that I didn't hate looking into the mirror. I wish I was not this ball of anxiety and issues that drives everyone away no matter how much I care. 

While not much is in my hands, I do know that none of the boys I liked before were right for me. I might not have chosen wisely at first, but I did get around to doing the right thing. I often question if what I felt at the time was love, but it doesn't matter now. None of them could handle the full me and that is OK. 

 I want a partner who gets me, like core compiler level understanding of my internal code. A person who is brilliant, kind, and loves my humor. I need someone who will enjoy silence with me, the boring side, the workaholic side, but also loves and supports my spontaneity. He understands that I overthink to the degree of ridiculousness and I say things I don't mean, and has the heart to forgive me. Looks have never been a factor in my choice thus far; if only I could post images here, you'd be surprised at my range. Yet, this time, for the lifetime, I want someone who complements me. Looks like he belongs to me. He is my best friend and I am his. I do not want another project to fix, I don't have it in me anymore. I do not want someone I am lukewarm to who grows on me due to my own insecurities and fear of being alone.

I want a companion to share my life with. From the goofy, thrill-seeking side, to the utterly destroyed, wounded and hurt, take my all and carry it with me. I will accept all of you and carry it with you. 

That's all.