tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13404982851277900552024-03-17T21:50:36.098-07:00Untitled.My Words, My Voice.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger125125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-72972801058431707932024-03-17T21:49:00.000-07:002024-03-17T21:49:41.486-07:00Precisely what I want<p>I often dream of the What Ifs</p><p>What if he said this and I said that </p><p>What if he too felt the same and told me so</p><p>What if I had the courage to take the first steps</p><p>What if I had chosen differently</p><p>What if he was the one..........</p><p><br /></p><p>But deep down I know these are fantasies, a coping mechanism of my ever-present state of loneliness. As you know, dear reader (if you exist), that I have always felt incredibly alone. All throughout childhood, youth, and now supposedly mid life. And, I always used to dream of scenarios that were wishful of a happier existence. When I was bullied as a child, called ugly by pretty much everyone, and basically treated poorly by peers and adults alike, I dreamed of an adventure far away from all those folks.</p><p>Not much has changed today. I dream of making different decisions that I did. I dream of a past where I was not lonely. I wish I didn't choose him. I wish that he rose up to the challenges and fought for me. I wish I was better so that I didn't hate looking into the mirror. I wish I was not this ball of anxiety and issues that drives everyone away no matter how much I care. </p><p>While not much is in my hands, I do know that none of the boys I liked before were right for me. I might not have chosen wisely at first, but I did get around to doing the right thing. I often question if what I felt at the time was love, but it doesn't matter now. None of them could handle the full me and that is OK. </p><p> I want a partner who gets me, like core compiler level understanding of my internal code. A person who is brilliant, kind, and loves my humor. I need someone who will enjoy silence with me, the boring side, the workaholic side, but also loves and supports my spontaneity. He understands that I overthink to the degree of ridiculousness and I say things I don't mean, and has the heart to forgive me. Looks have never been a factor in my choice thus far; if only I could post images here, you'd be surprised at my range. Yet, this time, for the lifetime, I want someone who complements me. Looks like he belongs to me. He is my best friend and I am his. I do not want another project to fix, I don't have it in me anymore. I do not want someone I am lukewarm to who grows on me due to my own insecurities and fear of being alone.</p><p>I want a companion to share my life with. From the goofy, thrill-seeking side, to the utterly destroyed, wounded and hurt, take my all and carry it with me. I will accept all of you and carry it with you. </p><p>That's all. <br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-54037033829764042822024-02-27T08:08:00.000-08:002024-02-27T08:08:50.336-08:00Change of Me<p>What maketh a man, and a woman!</p><p>I have some sort of undiagnosed OCD or something; I have always been worried about my health. There is an inferiority in me about my body that goes beyond the surface -- from just looks to deep beneath the skin-- and makes me question everything. As you know, dear reader, that last year I was pushed to the edge. I started healing this year. It a start, not there yet!</p><p>Supplements, something most will scoff over, have changed my life. Even when I go through depressive cycles now, I have this awareness that I am not as bad as I was just a couple of months ago. There is something, my body is being a buoy, and saving me from the depths of despair that I know my mind is capable of taking me. Just indescribably unfathomable to me that a few pills -- mostly iron and vitamin D -- can change a person so profoundly.I got my blood work back and I am no longer in the danger zone of anything. The one thing I have nightmares about, diabetes, was thankfully, praise all gods, not there. My A1c was good. Iron and vitamin D on the rise.</p><p>There is just one last thing left to do: fix cholesterol. My LDLs are high and so is total cholesterol (read 263!). Yikes! I have realized the error of my ways. A pizza a day is a not a good meal, who would have thought! That is my comfort food these day and its killing me.</p><p> I have decided to eat cabbage and beans everyday. I like both, in fact, I love beans and I can cook them well. Also, I want to start my physical training too. Strength training of body and mind. While physical training is for my knees and stuff (everything hurts!), I am going to start meditating everyday. This wandering, tortured mind mind needs healing too, the body can only do so much. Going to start with 5 mins and go from there. Let's see how well it goes. <br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-38750459353515547262024-02-22T13:24:00.000-08:002024-02-22T13:24:02.045-08:00If Only You Knew<p> An introvert's curse is that even though solitude is necessary and comforting, it is also an impermeable moat that keeps people out. My moat is my inability to form friendships, especially with other introverts. Always some extrovert or chatty person will pick me, for reasons unbeknownst, and we will be friends. Yet, I do grieve the loss of those whom I wanted in my life, but due to this fatal flaw, I couldn't. </p><p>If only you knew how much I liked you and disliked your fan following. I never understood where we stood, maybe it was all in my head. I wish I could tell you what I really wanted, how much I struggled internally, and how much sadness I felt when you chose the other one. She is an amazing person, an extrovert of extroverts and I know why it worked for you two. I still regret the day you asked me for that silly game, and I, in my shyness and awkwardness, declined. I should have said yes, but I can't change the past. I am happy you had your group, and take solace in the fact that you will never know I wrote poems for you (can't say much to their merit, but at least I did). I can't image the magnitude of shock you will feel if you ever do. <br /></p><p>We will, possibly, in classic me fashion, never meet again. It is close to being an year since I last saw you, and all we will be is people who shared a workspace together for a brief slice of time. In another life though, who knows, you and me try harder. <br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-34903518436789689852024-02-18T17:32:00.000-08:002024-02-18T17:32:59.630-08:00The evening that brought the shitstorm<p> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH</p><p> </p><p>I blame my cycle. </p><p> I finally told my uncle the barbed words my dad threw at me about almost 13 years ago. I am a delayed responder. My brain didn't react the very time he said it, and next day he just shrugged it off. It is unfathomable to me how conveniently everyone has forgotten the hell I was put through. In the words of TS, "the scars from when they pulled me apart." </p><p>It hit him like a bolt, suddenly everything made sense. My running away, my lack of desire to go back, and my distance from everyone. But I know nothing good is going to come out of this. I know exactly how this is going to go down. Dad will make a lot of drama, he will cry, he will drink, he will curse my mom, he will call me and weep etc, but nothing actually will change. It's been done and gone so long that I don't know if things can be fixed. </p><p>I am, dear reader, incapable of forgiveness. I admit it.</p><p>I begged my uncle to let it go, made him swear; it just fell on dead ears. He is adamant to "fix" it. There is nothing to fix. That part of my heart died a long time ago, too bad they saw the obituary now. </p><p>I guess I will let you know how this shitstorm went in a few days. </p><p><br /></p><p>While we are on the topic, I have never craved hugs before. In my 30 years on this planet, if we remove initial 5, I haven't been hugged much. I think since I was in my teens no one hugged me. Not even my mom. When I was in a relationship, didn't get hugged enough. I don't know what lies ahead but looking too good thus far. <br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-52502083329071941182024-02-13T16:59:00.000-08:002024-02-13T16:59:54.326-08:00Fall and Rise<p> Today, I found a white hair. </p><p><br /></p><p>If you are not me, you might just balk at me making a mountain out of this seemingly regular thing. But if you are me, you know how big of an earth shattering instance this is. For context, I check my hair regularly and always exclaim -- not mine -- when I see a white hair anywhere on me. It is the one slap of aging that I dread most. I never claimed I am well adjusted.</p><p>Yet, what was truly striking about this one hair was that it was white at the end and black after about an inch. The hair follicle didn't lose pigment permanently, it just lost it for a bit and then recovered. I got my hair cut in August 2023. It is February 2024. This means the damage happened in 2023. Well, my whole being was traumatized in 2023 and all that I went through mentally did show signs physically. I gained 20 pounds in 5 months. I have dark circles even on the corner of my eyes. I have 3-4 friends, and no real close ones. My family tests my limits of patience most times. All the despair, inadequacy, fear, and pain I feel every single day has physical manifestations too. </p><p>It turned black too. It recovered. I can recover too. I am taking supplements everyday, drinking water (who could have guessed that would have helped! XD), and slowly trying to get back to exercise even though all my muscles are killing me. My knees curse me every single day. I hope to do them justice. But I believe I can overcome, it just might take time.</p><p>Also, tomorrow is the stupid V day. 30 years, 30 lonely V days. I want to say I hate this day, but I don't. It has no significance for me, whatsoever. Even when I wasn't single, it didn't mean anything. And it will be fine if it never does. I always dreamed of becoming independent and living my own life on my own terms. I have achieved that path. I never prayed or asked for love or a partner. I have realized I felt the happiest (my level, which is always lower than the regular level) when I was at my prime. When my body was functioning great, I looked great, I felt energetic, light and fast, when I went to the gym everyday and gave it my all. That's what I want. I want to complete a marathon, and not just complete, I want to be sub-3 hours. I want to run a 5K in 20mins. That's what I dream of now. I want to wear a long skirt with a beautiful top and feel pretty for myself. I want to lift heavy things and drive myself cross-country. I want to buy a house and a car. I want to see the world and experience new things. Men never fit into my life and maybe they never will, but I never needed them anyways. </p><p>I will recover. I am healing, one day at a time. <br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-80232903968698659012024-01-29T20:59:00.000-08:002024-01-29T20:59:22.941-08:00Where ever you go, there you are<p>Where ever you go, there you are</p><p>Why have I come here? There is not much here.</p><p>Imagine spending your whole life running to survive. I ran from people, family, my city; I ran with my grief and with melancholy. I was chased by demons, some came to me as friends and some as foes, but all left me wounded. Piece by piece, I lost my lost my shine. I am stuck in this dissociative state. I long to go back and make better decision. I want to save myself from my own mistakes and poor choices. At the same time, I also want to escape to a happier future where I don't hate myself, where I have love, where I have peace, and something to live for. </p><p>Where ever you go, there you are ----------- in the very preface, the author calls me out. I also felt like I was publicly shamed for being this way. I know this is no way of living, but since I was a child I was my only friend. They never understood. I don't think there has ever been a time I have disassociated to just survive. I am trying very hard not to be bitter. I like my easy going self. But what can I do when this is my reality? A broken brain, a broken heart, and a broken body. Every day I fight this battle with myself to just push and push to be a bit better. Clearly it is not enough as I have fallen deep. <br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-44910592923821049132024-01-10T15:50:00.000-08:002024-01-10T15:50:27.513-08:00Unlocking Trauma<p> Body keeps the score...... at least that's the popular dictum these days. Over the years, I thought pushing it all down and trying to forget everything will work for me. Clearly, I have failed. </p><p> </p><p>I started this year sick and in bed, hating every second, every breath. It propelled me to get up and get working. I workout, even if its just Yoga, every day now. But what's been most life changing is intermittent fasting. Every day I fast for somewhere between 20 to 23 hours. I have felt dizzy and weak some days but almost all these days, I feel re-traumatized. Every single day, near the end, I feel numb and depressed all over again. It is as if all the trauma was stored in my fat cells that leeching out as they break. I don't have any insightful words on how to overcome it right now but I am living one day at a time.<br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-89076384734007033052023-12-13T17:31:00.000-08:002023-12-13T17:31:01.150-08:00It Is Time to Bid GoodBye to You<p>Every single day for the past two years I think of you. Every single day. Re-imagining the what ifs, the times when I should have run away, the situations wherein I could have stopped it and rescued myself, and so many times where I should have valued myself more. The simple thought of facing you again makes my whole body shake. I always think of the possibility of running into you, looking around trying to find your face in strangers. But it is time to bid goodbye to this ghost of you that's haunting me ever since. I know you moved on even before I left. I accept that maybe for a few moments I meant something to you, but those moments are gone. At the end, I was wiser to learn that some people are just like a chocolate cookie: only an initial, momentous joy and no nutritional value at all. I was good to you overall, I was even great in some moments. Yet, nothing was enough. If you wanted to, you would have. You said that so yourself. </p><p>After surviving this long year that brought me to my knees, I know that reliving those moments and wishing that things could have been better is like cutting myself emotionally. I was a survivor. Now, I have to thrive. So, thank you for your friendship and the fun moments we shared. I walked away physically in 2021 and now I must sever this toxic, leeching, masochistic connection that lingers and weighs on my being. </p><p>I have to choose myself, not yesterday, but today and tomorrow. </p><p>I choose myself.</p><p>I accept myself just like I am. </p><p>I forgive myself for choosing you, I forgive myself for connecting with you, I forgive myself for waiting for you, and I forgive myself for all the time I wasted on you. </p><p>I am proud of myself that I never compromised myself to bend to your will. </p><p>I am fine, and I will be great. </p><p>I will heal myself. </p><p>I shed this weight that's holding my breath hostage and bury it in the ground to return it to the elements so that the universe can claim it back and make it pure again. <br /></p><p>Goodbye<br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-88787990345188227742023-11-29T12:09:00.000-08:002023-11-29T12:09:00.328-08:00The Blood and the Body <p> Here is something I realized this month: All regrowth and rejuvenation "hacks" just promote blood flow. From growing hair to relaxing sore muscles, it is all a game of blood. This also means that that blood needs to be healthy for the healing to happen. I'll be the first to admit that all have done this year, at least since March, is poison my body. I have been surviving only on sugars, processed crap, and chocolate. My buoys in the maelstrom that has been my life. But all this is only worsening my situation. I have gained 20 pounds and have lost a whole lot of hair. I have deep dark circles and attention span is now just attention seconds. Building back is going to be painful and tough. After watching the big guy effortlessly cruise through 500 stairs while every muscle in body was shaking and crying, the shame is unbearable. Health is truly the only wealth that matters; health is the foundation of everything. I hope this realization isn't too late. Here's to all the bad junk I put in my stomach. My body, I hope you can forgive me. And here's to the next decade dedicated to holistic and proper health (no reckless shortcuts, no yo-yo dieting, no punishing). I hope I can give my body the respect it deserves. </p><p><br /></p><p>And reader, if you exist, by no means we must become health nuts worshiping at the altar of special supplements and protein shakes. Moderation is key. I think I have swayed the balance in the other direction too much and need a hard reset. You are welcome to enjoy moderation. I hope you treated your blood and body better than I did. <br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-47684916524295840462023-09-28T14:37:00.001-07:002023-09-28T14:37:17.431-07:00I cannot keep this up<p>Have you felt so unsettled that every single part of your being wants to run away from everything, even itself? I want to disintegrate, explode, be free. Sometimes I catch myself not even breathing, in a way holding onto a breath to stop time. This year has brought me to my knees and I am only sinking lower. <br /></p><p>In some ways I received a lot, but in many others I have lost everything. A shell, mostly cracked, I don't know how long I can go on. Starting a whole new chapter of life is supposed to be exciting and joyful. But why is it not? Why does it make me feel so alone that I almost don't want to do it? I ran away from everyone and everything. In some ways, I am still running.</p><p>I dream of peace, the kind one feels when one is in the middle of the ocean. Float, far and away from everything that is real. Feeling lighter than ever, moving towards no goal. Still, only rocked by the occasional waves. No pull of a tether, no pace to keep. Let me float away, adrift into the abyss; never to be found again. <br /></p><p>They try to put their labels: burnout, depression, anxiety, loneliness etc. yet, these are meaningless words for they just pick at the symptoms. The journey which led me here is one too complex for mere description and annotation. How am I to put all I feel in one box? How do I tell another all my miseries? For all who wronged me weren't bad people; good people do bad things all the time. They cut too deep but never realized. I am too proud to admit I was hurt. I want to retain the last thing I have left: my dignity. </p><p>As I sink in my feet, I just do not want these memories. The pain was not worth the momentary good I got. The arrow teared through, a permanent gash, a void never to be filled. All those who praise me now, I do not believe. I know what you did, I remember every word, I cannot forgive. Trust me, I tried, I just cannot forget all that you said and you did. I hope these memories vanish so I don't have relive those moments time and time again. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for me. <br /></p><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-42115277689353186142023-07-14T18:28:00.000-07:002023-07-14T18:28:04.319-07:00What can I say<p> The world feel faded, the body feels heavier. My muscles will give way, letting the entire viscera fall to the ground. It's as if my whole being is being held together with shreds.</p><p> </p><p>Less than a week to go, for this tumultuous journey. I wish I could say its victory, I wish I could rejoice in its end. Yet, I all I am is numb. Inside and out, just numb. Poke me and I'll disintegrate into a billion pieces. I was running from my reality when I began, now I must stop and accept. Wounded beyond repair, little sheen remains. 30 odd years I spent on this planet of which only 3 were worth living. I am tired to my bones. The only thought that remains: What am I fighting for? How long can I fight? I don't know anymore. All I can do is grieve my youth.</p><p>In the four years here, I have nothing to show for myself. No great accomplishments, no prized connections. If I had to live it all over again, I won't! Every single aspect of my being has been tested. Even though I may be breathing, I am not living. They call it depression, I call it survival for how much can the brain bear? It protects me from the pain by turning it all off, leaving me in a void. I am not strong enough to continue. The calm is temporary. My dreams are tortured.<br /></p><p>With no end in sight, I am doomed to live out my days here. Hoping for a savior is futile, I know. New problems await to be solved. I know I can live out the rest of the days alone too. I know I can endure, if and only if, I can turn the clock back by 5 years. The damage has compounded, and I can't pay the interest. I often claim to live for my mother, for she won't survive if I don't. But how true is that? Is it just my cowardly excuse? <br /></p><p>Why did this all go so wrong? The dominoes fell and look at the end. Each and every one I held close, pulled me apart little by little. I might look whole, it is but a shell. Look closely, and you may see the seams. Nothing has healed, still writhing in pain. This year, particularly, my laughter has died too. I tried to reclaim it, but decayed to earth. Never will I complain, for there is no to listen. Most will be surprised to read that is my inner life. </p><p>How much longer do I have? 6 months or 30 more years. I don't even want 6 more seconds. Take me back and renew me. My soul is sick of this tomb. Pull me apart one last time so it can all end. I know it is selfish to ask. They will suffer too. But isn't one shot suffering better than a life long sore? Soon I'll just be nothing but a faint memory in their lives, a photo in some corner covered in dust. Maybe my brother will remember some silly instances, and my mom will cry. Uncle will be lost, and dad.... nevermind. I apologize in advance, my family, you deserved better. What can I give you? A empty vessel has nothing. </p><p>If I must endure, I shall seek some healing. Not sure what they can do, but cant hurt me more, can they? I wanna know what I could have been, the full potential of me. If there were no wounds, no fights, no slights. If those people hadn't done what they did, If I picked wisely and ran away from evil. I want to know that me! I guess she will have immense pity for me. <br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-39493575921841647372023-05-19T11:22:00.000-07:002023-05-19T11:22:54.921-07:00Him<p>The day of June,</p><p>We met under fluorescent lights,</p><p>my attempts at connection hit a high wall,<br /></p><p>I inadvertently rejected him too </p><p>Fate pushed us close, even if it was superficial</p><p>Spent days under the yellow tinted skies<br /></p><p>in those little moments, I saw him</p><p>both fighting our own fights, </p><p>the tide was against us</p><p>I reached, maybe not far enough</p><p>he held, intermittently, </p><p>but let go so abruptly. <br /></p><p>We adapted, I gave up</p><p>It's all over now</p><p>Never once he realized I needed help too</p><p>Never once he offered</p><p>I wish him well</p><p>His fight is over, he earned his rest</p><p>We are headed for opposite ends</p><p> I am curious though</p><p>How will you remember me?</p><p>Will you?<br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-2508386741619452382022-09-17T13:13:00.001-07:002022-09-17T13:13:03.895-07:00meaningless<p> We die trying to prove the worth of our salt,</p><p>and for what!</p><p>We fight to live another day,</p><p>and for what!</p><p>No glory awaits us</p><p>No throne of gold lies empty</p><p>Just a fool's desire to die for other's fight</p><p>blinding all <br /></p><p>Chasing what will never be ours</p><p>we betray those who were dear</p><p>Lost in this maze till the very end</p><p>Trapped in shackles of fear</p><p>False hope fuels this mindless hunt</p><p>Few will make it till the end</p><p>A Pyrrhic victory awaits those </p><p>In the graveyard of dreams dead<br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-55161360959805014292022-09-17T13:12:00.002-07:002022-09-17T13:12:20.836-07:00regret<p> you said you saw you in me</p><p>that's how we began</p><p>a lot of words</p><p>almost a small lifetime spent </p><p>over coffee and laughs silly<br /></p><p>among the stars</p><p> </p><p>You saw a part of me</p><p>I kept hidden, almost buried</p><p>you said you understood</p><p>I laid my heart bare<br /></p><p><br /></p><p>nights spent discussing the days dailys</p><p>your misfortunes</p><p>my sarcasm</p><p>seemed like a perfect match</p><p><br /></p><p>We lost track of time</p><p>every time</p><p>I thought it was one-of-a-kind</p><p><br /></p><p>It's been a year since</p><p>I first laid eyes on you</p><p>the very first time we forgot there was a world outside us two</p><p><br /></p><p>Now all I have is pain</p><p>the voice I longed to hear</p><p>is now one I dread</p><p>I thought it was pure, but it was rotten</p><p>all I have is regret</p><p> </p><p>You picked the crack </p><p>you knew would fissure the worst</p><p>the jabs didn't stop</p><p>you turned it into a caustic hell</p><p>What did I do to deserve that?</p><p>Tell me, was it how much I cared</p><p>or was it too honest for your shallow self</p><p><br /></p><p>Is it all I meant to you</p><p>8 hours is all it took for you to seek another</p><p>I had to walk away</p><p>the ashes of what it was</p><p>chocked me, me gasping for some breath</p><p> </p><p>Meaningless for you, haunting for me</p><p>I hope you get exactly what your deserve <br /></p><p> <br /></p><p><br /></p><p> <br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-71208024861113095462021-08-09T06:16:00.002-07:002021-11-02T11:35:40.308-07:00Putting Yourself Out ThereI can't emphasize enough how much that sucks, to be honest. We take our hearts, bare it out and end up hurt. The punch in the gut. The feeling of never being good enough. The hope is gone and all you're left with is the knowledge that you are meant to be alone. <div><br /></div><div>Putting yourself out there is just as gut wrenching and scary as it is uncomfortable. I was happy in my shell, I was fine being alone and in my bubble. Why? I didn't even want to go. Now, I will live with this rejection. The newfound pain that I didn't even ask for. Why? Why did I do this? It sucks really bad and I don't think I can take this. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-11480218747439214632021-07-15T15:50:00.001-07:002021-07-15T15:50:07.789-07:00SugarI never had a problem restricting myself. Self discipline used to be my super power. Well, not anymore. Emotional issues and anxiety issues have made me a slave to bad habits, a procrastinator, an addict of sugar, a lover of junk food, and overall a useless human being. <div><br></div><div>The year was 2017. I was riding a high, got a job, moved to a new place and had a fresh start. Despite the starting being a bit rocky, all was well. I started taking a serious look at my health. Running everyday and eating healthy -- not starving, really healthy -- was my new focus. It was a whole new me. </div><div><br></div><div>Everything that goes up, must come down and I was no exception to this rule. The influx of emotions, betrayal, and turmoil that was unleased on me in 2018 shook me to my core. </div><div><br></div><div>Sidebar: You, if you are reading this, know that you were the worst friend I ever had. You broke me. I can't trust anyone anymore. I've never been insulted, disrespected, and hurt by someone who called me a friend before. You should not be reading this, you microplastic of this earth. </div><div>Sidebar end</div><div><br></div><div>And hence began the downward spiral. I moved to a new place. Lost all my remaining friends too. This place has been hostile, to say the least. I don't understand it, I'm plagued by my own shortcomings, and deeply unhappy. Failure, be it career or social, is my reality. The worst part is realizing that I can't even control myself. I'm a slave to sugar, coffee, and junk. Eating chocolates like drinking water hasn't helped my already warped appearance. I'm a cylinder, soon heading to a ball shape. The running injury I had last year hasn't healed and I'm still reeling. I walk, I workout, but can't burn a bad diet is the ultimate truth. </div><div><br></div><div>What am I if I have nothing to offer? What good a human am I? I want me back. I want to heal, to breathe, and to let this burden go. All literature talks about heartbreak at the hands of lovers, but that shit is nothing compared to losingfriends! Look at me, I'm ruined. Was I so bad? What did I do so wrong? </div><div><br></div><div>Maybe I'm doomed to go about this alone. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-22303932345156335282021-07-12T21:43:00.000-07:002021-07-12T21:43:59.449-07:00Alone<div class="o-vr o-vr_12x"><div class="c-feature"><div class="c-feature-hd"><h1 class="c-hdgSans c-hdgSans_2 c-mix-hdgSans_inline">"Alone”</h1></div><div class="c-feature-sub c-feature-sub_vast"><div><span class="c-txt c-txt_attribution">BY <a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/edgar-allan-poe">EDGAR ALLAN POE</a></span></div></div><div class="c-feature-bd"><div class="o-poem isActive" data-view="PoemView"><div>From childhood’s hour I have not been<br></div><div>As others were—I have not seen<br></div><div>As others saw—I could not bring<br></div><div>My passions from a common spring—<br></div><div>From the same source I have not taken<br></div><div>My sorrow—I could not awaken<br></div><div>My heart to joy at the same tone—<br></div><div>And all I lov’d—<em>I</em> lov’d alone—<br></div><div><em>Then</em>—in my childhood—in the dawn<br></div><div>Of a most stormy life—was drawn<br></div><div>From ev’ry depth of good and ill<br></div><div>The mystery which binds me still—<br></div><div>From the torrent, or the fountain—<br></div><div>From the red cliff of the mountain—<br></div><div>From the sun that ’round me roll’d<br></div><div>In its autumn tint of gold—<br></div><div>From the lightning in the sky<br></div><div>As it pass’d me flying by—<br></div><div>From the thunder, and the storm—<br></div><div>And the cloud that took the form<br></div><div>(When the rest of Heaven was blue)<br></div><div>Of a demon in my view—<br></div><div><br></div></div></div></div></div><div class="o-grid"><div class="o-grid-col o-grid-col_10of12"><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x"><span class="c-txt c-txt_note c-txt_note_mini">Source: <em>American Poetry: The Nineteenth Century</em> (1993)</span></div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x"><span class="c-txt c-txt_note c-txt_note_mini"><br></span></div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x">Poe has the apropos language to describe my life so far. The handful lines of Poe's struck a chord so deep that I almost cried. Sometimes I do wonder how I ended up here, a tired soul in a damaged body encased in pain. As far back as I can remember, I can only remember my failings. I think I was a happy child, but with each passing day that happiness seeped out if me. My friends were never loyal, my life a downward spiral of struggle. I witnessed first hand what it is like to endure real soul crushing defeat and be the only one to attend the wake. I have always been alone in my sorrow. Truly alone. There has been no one to stand with me.</div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x"><br></div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x">Reader, I know what you'll say. I acknowledge that many have it way worse than I do. Few have people to stand with them. I agree. But does it really make this OK? </div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x"><br></div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x">A part of me is dead. The carefree, jovial, happy girl was replaced with an anxious, sad woman who lives in pain. I'm at a point in life where there is little scope of recovery. With no energy left for picking the places and healing, I'm just trying to get this over with. </div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x"><br></div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x">Hurt people hurt people. I'm aware of how I can be abusive towards people I still care about. I protect them from myself as much as I can. Hence, love isn't for me in this life. Nor do I think anyone is waiting. I still think of a companion, someone who can accept me and still love all pieces. But I know that's just the last of human desire left in me.</div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x"><br></div><div class="o-vr o-vr_2x">I feel myself weighed down by the burdens of my insecurities, my failures, my regrets, and my shortcomings. If only I could feel happiness again. If only I could have a friend again. If only I could restart this life and try again. </div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-59516987247233294732020-01-01T17:02:00.000-08:002020-01-01T17:02:01.541-08:00Let go<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Words, or for that matter language, are probably the best invention of humankind. While, I have spent hours, months and years devouring words from some of the greatest leaders, writers, thinkers and scientist it is you whose words or the lack thereof, that befuddles me. Today is new year's day and I spent it contemplating the fate of our relationship. While we both know that it will end one day, sooner rather than later, it is the end date which remains to be decided. At the risk of sounding mean and contemptuous, I must confess that I always knew in my heart that you are not it. Far from it. Don't get me wrong, certain qualities of yours drew me to you, and have kept me in this limbo this long. I may not know exactly what I want, but I do know that you are not the one for me. One sentence from you trying to control my life ruined everything else. Don't you get it, I am not the girl who will cede control of her life to a man? You know my story (well, parts of it...) well enough to know that I have fought tooth and nail for the freedom I have. It has been the damn theme of my existence, not a battle but a war I have been waging since the day I was born. I thoroughly fail to understand how the neurons in your brain couple this knowledge to the action of saying, "I don't want you to do XYZ". Seriously, how????<br />
<br />
Admittedly, I am inconsistent and unpredictable sometimes. I do have some deep-seated insecurities which I have projected onto you in the past. I agreed I have caused you pain. However, you have always made me question your love for me. Till today, I can't say for sure why you say you love me? Is it because of your conservative values? Is it because your crush dumped you and I was the rebound waiting in line? Are you even sure you are in love? Do you even know what love is?<br />
<br />
A partner for me is one I can rely on. I don't expect them to solve my problems or ease my life, but I do expect them to be the wall I can rest my back against when times get tough. All my life I have just wanted one person, one in a pool of 7 billion, just one person to be unconditionally on my team. One person who would pick me over anyone else time and time again. You chose to attend a former colleague's wedding instead of spending time with me, my last few days in that town. You have picked me when it was convenient to do so. Sometimes I feel whatever this is "thing" that we have is just because you don't have anyone else.<br />
<br />
I know that this "thing" that we have between us won't survive until next year. Although, I am concerned about the end. Will it be amicable? Doubtful. Will we remain friends? Will you hate me? Most likely. Maybe I do deserve your hate, but my heart won't be able to see you hurt. So, my dear, when the time comes please don't hesitate to hate me. Burn my effigies. Stick needles in my voodoo dolls. Do whatever will help you get over this, but don't shrink. Don't go into the downward spiral I saw you sink in last time something like this happened to you. Maybe, I am the one to blame in all this as I initiated everything. I have always felt like I dragged you into this and now I am being cowardly by backing out. Just believe me when I say that it is honestly for the best that this ends. I don't want to make your life miserable and I know myself enough to know that I am highly capable of it. Maybe I didn't understand love. Forgive me if possible, but do move on in any case. <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-70822862415206854482019-10-08T17:59:00.000-07:002019-10-08T17:59:47.985-07:00Mess<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have made this mess, it is definetely my fault. I can't tell you that I am over you because I know you will leave me. I don't want you to go. I don't want to be alone. I am alone. I am scared. I don't know what to do anymore. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-63801440699767529002019-06-27T20:44:00.001-07:002019-06-27T20:44:19.395-07:00You<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You<br />
<br />
I don't know if this is love, I just know that I can't stop thinking about you. You are always in my mind, a river which keeps flowing and never ends. I think about all the times we spent together, and how I felt when I was with you, what I should have done differently, what mistakes I made, what did you mean in your last text, and what did you mean when you didn't say anything.<br />
<br />
I have never been loved by anyone. I never came this close to anyone. Maybe, I am just naive. Maybe I am just being too juvenile in expecting you to reciprocate. Even though you never said it, I just assumed you loved me. Even when I asked and you denied it, I assumed deep down you felt the same. I wish someone would just come and slap some sense into me. I wish you say that you hate me so I can get some courage to move on.<br />
<br />
Please leave me. Please. Otherwise, I know I will screw this friendship so badly that you will hate me for the rest of our lives. I know I am being too hard on you, I know I am driving you crazy. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve someone as messed up as I am. You deserve kindness, you deserve a love that is nurturing. Not this junk that I throw at you.<br />
<br />
I am sorry I ever said anything. I am sorry I let all this happen. I am sorry I can't stop this pain. I am sorry I pass it onto you. I am sorry I exist. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-66433053581862381572019-06-17T20:22:00.001-07:002019-06-17T20:22:35.653-07:00To you.......<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You have been the centre of my life for quite some time now.... I don't know when did this start, but I do know how this will end. You came into my life two years back, I didn't think much of it. Slowly, I got to know you. Your innocence in this otherwise vile world was surprising to me. Even though you were my senior, I never left unheard. I don't think in this life I will ever hear someone say something negative about you. You have always welcomed people and never judged. Even though you a man of few words, they are never harsh.<br />
<br />
It took me a while to really understand you. Sometimes, I thought you were playing games or trying to be malicious. But boy was I wrong! I know now that you will never be capable of hurting someone like that on purpose, that you just can't think like that. I am sorry I doubted you. I am sorry I pulled away. It took me a while to get clarity.<br />
<br />
I trust you more than you will know. I know you will never intentionally hurt me. Your pure heart is what I love about you. I wrote you that letter to tell you that there will always be me, for as long as I shall live, who loves you unconditionally. No matter where we are, how much time has passed and who we are with, there will always be a corner in my heart solely for you. I will always wish you well. <br />
<br />
For now, we are friends, but I know what is coming. This distance between us is my doing, I just had to leave for reasons I can't explain but they had nothing to do with us. I hope every day that one day you will show up at my door and we'll have breakfast again together, but deep down I know that that day might never come. I don't know what the future holds; maybe we'll go our separate ways, or maybe you'll find someone better, maybe this "us" wouldn't be feasible anymore. No matter what happens, I hope you will make the right decision, even if that decision will lead to a life without my friendship in it. All I ever want is for you to be happy. Pick what makes you happy. Please don't ever feel the guilt of not picking me. <br />
<br />
Maybe, when years have passed, our paths will cross again. We will meet like long lost friends and when I ask you how your life has been, I hope you will say it is all great. And then we will go our separate ways again......... <br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-36023580128656467162018-12-03T03:54:00.002-08:002018-12-03T03:54:37.032-08:00The Floodgates<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
If you ask me to point it out, I can't. Something is terribly wrong but I don't know what. Since, last week, anything and everything, whether good or bad, is compelling me to cry my eyes out. I don't know why it is so.......... If you look from the outside, it is a good life, I have good family, good job and nice friends. I have decent health and can take care of things on my own. I don't know what happened recently, but for the first time in 7 years I feel like I should just cry and cry and not stop.<br />
<br />
There is a hole, a never-ending void in me. I don't know how to fill it or if it can be filled. I don't know what is breaking me, but something is. I am at a stage where nothing matters, nothing that previously bought me joy does so anymore. There is just emptiness.<br />
<br />
Things were worse before. In my 25 years of life, I can't point out a year that wasn't tough. Soul was stripped, gut punched, stabbed in the back, but I kept fighting on. But now, when things are at least normal, I feel only sadness. I run from people, then cling to then, and then run again. <br />
<br />
I have no solution, no one to talk to, so I wrote to you. I know I won't get a reply but I hope the universe will help out in someway so that I can close these floodgates again.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-40698295696272944532018-11-08T00:36:00.001-08:002018-11-08T00:36:26.796-08:002018<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Turbulent: the perfect word for this year so far. I honestly have no idea why so much happened. The start was good, it brought a promise of new possibilities and new friendships. The roller coaster was going up and up. Memorable time spent with good friends, even though the job was becoming more taxing and I had more responsibilities. Then gravity took it's toll. Everything that goes up, must come down, and so did my world. I realized not everything is as it looks, people aren't what they claim to be. No matter how much one thinks one knows a person, there are bound to be surprises.<br />
<br />
The friendships that I began to cherish turned out to be rotten and toxic traps. I walked. I got over them. However, I wasn't unscathed. Everything was now up to examination: HOW DID I NOT SEE? HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND? If it is one thing I have always trusted, it is my judgement of people's character. My judgement has saved me all these years, but this year shook my belief. I no longer trust a person or my understanding of them. I think my model needs more feedback to be stronger.<br />
<br />
The damage incurred this year did one thing good; it broke my complacency. I was adjusting to my new life, enjoying it even. But this is not my destination. It is not how I want to it settle. All this chaos helped me gain my perspective and re-imagine what I wanted my life to be.....<br />
<br />
So, 2018 thank you for everything. All the good times and the bad. All the people I got to know. They were all lessons and I hope I am better prepared for life. Heartbreak was terrible, and I am still picking up the pieces, but I do hope I will mend one day and there won't be much scar tissue. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-89311803318908813532018-09-16T00:56:00.000-07:002018-09-16T00:56:02.565-07:00Friendships Lost<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
WOW, this year has been a true roller-coaster ride. The highs were truly high and the lows were like gut punches. I lost two really important friendships this year. We'll probably never speak again. It took me days to accept it, I don't think I have fully accepted it yet. Not going to play the blame game here, let's just say it was meant to happen. However, I do accept it hurt like hell. And who can I complain to? Who will understand? There is no one.<br />
<br />
If you are reading this, do pick your friends wisely. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1340498285127790055.post-44930174348383134342018-08-04T10:20:00.002-07:002018-08-04T10:20:48.534-07:00The Last Good Day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Relationships often start and end without warning. They are bonds which often take years to develop, however, sometimes all it takes is a sentence to end them for good. All that is left behind is memories, of good times and bad, of times when you really felt lucky that you met the other person and of times when you question the very judgement of befriending that person. In all of this, there is often taht one moment, that last moment just before the downward spiral starts, when everything is still good, even better than usual. That is the last good day. It is only in retrospect do we recognize that day.<br />
<br />
The last good day is when everything is as it is suppposed to be. There is calm and peace, just like moments before a storm. However, it is impossible to distinguish this as any different from the other days. I recently lost a friendship (friend is fine, just not a friend anymore). I still remember the last good day. It was a party. A special party for him. Both of us went out with a group of our friends. We sta in a toy car and surprisingly fit in! We kept sitting there and talking crap till the guard shooed us away. We ate a lot and stayed out all night. I still fondly remember sitting with him in that park talking about life and death (yeah, not realy party topics, but....). I will always remember the twilight when we walked home. I don't know if it was real premonition or just me conjuring up stuff, but when we stood outside my house and he said goodbye, I had a feeling in my stomach. I can't really explain it, but I knew it was probably too good to be true. I really trusted him and what happened afterwards really shook me as a person, I took a while to come back from that. He was someone who I thought really understood me, at least the part of me I let him see. Alas, in the end, it was too good to be true...... I really need to fine tune my judgement of people and character.<br />
<br />
He now exists only as a memory and a lesson for me. Nothing more. Probably less. When I see him today, all I feel is regret. But I don't think I can regret that day. It was the last good day. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0