Mess

I have made this mess, it is definetely my fault. I can't tell you that I am over you because I know you will leave me. I don't want you to go. I don't want to be alone. I am alone. I am scared. I don't know what to do anymore.

You

You

I don't know if this is love, I just know that I can't stop thinking about you. You are always in my mind, a river which keeps flowing and never ends. I think about all the times we spent together, and how I felt when I was with you, what I should have done differently, what mistakes I made, what did you mean in your last text, and what did you mean when you didn't say anything.

I have never been loved by anyone. I never came this close to anyone. Maybe, I am just naive. Maybe I am just being too juvenile in expecting you to reciprocate. Even though you never said it, I just assumed you loved me. Even when I asked and you denied it, I assumed deep down you felt the same. I wish someone would just come and slap some sense into me. I wish you say that you hate me so I can get some courage to move on.

Please leave me. Please. Otherwise, I know I will screw this friendship so badly that you will hate me for the rest of our lives. I know I am being too hard on you, I know I am driving you crazy. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve someone as messed up as I am. You deserve kindness, you deserve a love that is nurturing. Not this junk that I throw at you.

I am sorry I ever said anything. I am sorry I let all this happen. I am sorry I can't stop this pain. I am sorry I pass it onto you. I am sorry I exist. 

To you.......

You have been the centre of my life for quite some time now.... I don't know when did this start, but I do know how this will end. You came into my life two years back, I didn't think much of it. Slowly, I got to know you. Your innocence in this otherwise vile world was surprising to me. Even though you were my senior, I never left unheard. I don't think in this life I will ever hear someone say something negative about you. You have always welcomed people and never judged. Even though you a man of few words, they are never harsh.

It took me a while to really understand you. Sometimes, I thought you were playing games or trying to be malicious. But boy was I wrong! I know now that you will never be capable of hurting someone like that on purpose, that you just can't think like that. I am sorry I doubted you. I am sorry I pulled away. It took me a while to get clarity.

I trust you more than you will know. I know you will never intentionally hurt me. Your pure heart is what I love about you. I wrote you that letter to tell you that there will always be me, for as long as I shall live, who loves you unconditionally. No matter where we are, how much time has passed and who we are with, there will always be a corner in my heart solely for you. I will always wish you well. 

For now, we are friends, but I know what is coming. This distance between us is my doing, I just had to leave for reasons I can't explain but they had nothing to do with us. I hope every day that one day you will show up at my door and we'll have breakfast again together, but deep down I know that that day might never come. I don't know what the future holds; maybe we'll go our separate ways, or maybe you'll find someone better, maybe this "us" wouldn't be feasible anymore. No matter what happens, I hope you will make the right decision, even if that decision will lead to a life without my friendship in it. All I ever want is for you to be happy. Pick what makes you happy. Please don't ever feel the guilt of not picking me. 

Maybe, when years have passed, our paths will cross again. We will meet like long lost friends and when I ask you how your life has been, I hope you will say it is all great. And then we will go our separate ways again.........