The world feel faded, the body feels heavier. My muscles will give way, letting the entire viscera fall to the ground. It's as if my whole being is being held together with shreds.
Less than a week to go, for this tumultuous journey. I wish I could say its victory, I wish I could rejoice in its end. Yet, I all I am is numb. Inside and out, just numb. Poke me and I'll disintegrate into a billion pieces. I was running from my reality when I began, now I must stop and accept. Wounded beyond repair, little sheen remains. 30 odd years I spent on this planet of which only 3 were worth living. I am tired to my bones. The only thought that remains: What am I fighting for? How long can I fight? I don't know anymore. All I can do is grieve my youth.
In the four years here, I have nothing to show for myself. No great accomplishments, no prized connections. If I had to live it all over again, I won't! Every single aspect of my being has been tested. Even though I may be breathing, I am not living. They call it depression, I call it survival for how much can the brain bear? It protects me from the pain by turning it all off, leaving me in a void. I am not strong enough to continue. The calm is temporary. My dreams are tortured.
With no end in sight, I am doomed to live out my days here. Hoping for a savior is futile, I know. New problems await to be solved. I know I can live out the rest of the days alone too. I know I can endure, if and only if, I can turn the clock back by 5 years. The damage has compounded, and I can't pay the interest. I often claim to live for my mother, for she won't survive if I don't. But how true is that? Is it just my cowardly excuse?
Why did this all go so wrong? The dominoes fell and look at the end. Each and every one I held close, pulled me apart little by little. I might look whole, it is but a shell. Look closely, and you may see the seams. Nothing has healed, still writhing in pain. This year, particularly, my laughter has died too. I tried to reclaim it, but decayed to earth. Never will I complain, for there is no to listen. Most will be surprised to read that is my inner life.
How much longer do I have? 6 months or 30 more years. I don't even want 6 more seconds. Take me back and renew me. My soul is sick of this tomb. Pull me apart one last time so it can all end. I know it is selfish to ask. They will suffer too. But isn't one shot suffering better than a life long sore? Soon I'll just be nothing but a faint memory in their lives, a photo in some corner covered in dust. Maybe my brother will remember some silly instances, and my mom will cry. Uncle will be lost, and dad.... nevermind. I apologize in advance, my family, you deserved better. What can I give you? A empty vessel has nothing.
If I must endure, I shall seek some healing. Not sure what they can do, but cant hurt me more, can they? I wanna know what I could have been, the full potential of me. If there were no wounds, no fights, no slights. If those people hadn't done what they did, If I picked wisely and ran away from evil. I want to know that me! I guess she will have immense pity for me.
