Every single day for the past two years I think of you. Every single day. Re-imagining the what ifs, the times when I should have run away, the situations wherein I could have stopped it and rescued myself, and so many times where I should have valued myself more. The simple thought of facing you again makes my whole body shake. I always think of the possibility of running into you, looking around trying to find your face in strangers. But it is time to bid goodbye to this ghost of you that's haunting me ever since. I know you moved on even before I left. I accept that maybe for a few moments I meant something to you, but those moments are gone. At the end, I was wiser to learn that some people are just like a chocolate cookie: only an initial, momentous joy and no nutritional value at all. I was good to you overall, I was even great in some moments. Yet, nothing was enough. If you wanted to, you would have. You said that so yourself.
After surviving this long year that brought me to my knees, I know that reliving those moments and wishing that things could have been better is like cutting myself emotionally. I was a survivor. Now, I have to thrive. So, thank you for your friendship and the fun moments we shared. I walked away physically in 2021 and now I must sever this toxic, leeching, masochistic connection that lingers and weighs on my being.
I have to choose myself, not yesterday, but today and tomorrow.
I choose myself.
I accept myself just like I am.
I forgive myself for choosing you, I forgive myself for connecting with you, I forgive myself for waiting for you, and I forgive myself for all the time I wasted on you.
I am proud of myself that I never compromised myself to bend to your will.
I am fine, and I will be great.
I will heal myself.
I shed this weight that's holding my breath hostage and bury it in the ground to return it to the elements so that the universe can claim it back and make it pure again.
Goodbye
