Where ever you go, there you are

Where ever you go, there you are

Why have I come here? There is not much here.

Imagine spending your whole life running to survive. I ran from people, family, my city; I ran with my grief and with melancholy. I was chased by demons, some came to me as friends and some as foes, but all left me wounded. Piece by piece, I lost my lost my shine. I am stuck in this dissociative state. I long to go back and make better decision. I want to save myself from my own mistakes and poor choices. At the same time, I also want to escape to a happier future where I don't hate myself, where I have love, where I have peace, and something to live for. 

Where ever you go, there you are ----------- in the very preface, the author calls me out. I also felt like I was publicly shamed for being this way. I know this is no way of living, but since I was a child I was my only friend. They never understood. I don't think there has ever been a time I have disassociated to just survive. I am trying very hard not to be bitter. I like my easy going self. But what can I do when this is my reality? A broken brain, a broken heart, and a broken body. Every day I fight this battle with myself to just push and push to be a bit better. Clearly it is not enough as I have fallen deep.

Unlocking Trauma

 Body keeps the score...... at least that's the popular dictum these days. Over the years, I thought pushing it all down and trying to forget everything will work for me. Clearly, I have failed. 

 

I started this year sick and in bed, hating every second, every breath. It propelled me to get up and get working. I workout, even if its just Yoga, every day now. But what's been most life changing is intermittent fasting. Every day I fast for somewhere between 20 to 23 hours. I have felt dizzy and weak some days but almost all these days, I feel re-traumatized. Every single day, near the end, I feel numb and depressed all over again. It is as if all the trauma was stored in my fat cells that leeching out as they break. I don't have any insightful words on how to overcome it right now but I am living one day at a time.