Change of Me

What maketh a man, and a woman!

I have some sort of undiagnosed OCD or something; I have always been worried about my health. There is an inferiority in me about my body that goes beyond the surface -- from just looks to deep beneath the skin-- and makes me question everything. As you know, dear reader, that last year I was pushed to the edge. I started healing this year. It a start, not there yet!

Supplements, something most will scoff over, have changed my life. Even when I go through depressive cycles now, I have this awareness that I am not as bad as I was just a couple of months ago. There is something, my body is being a buoy, and saving me from the depths of despair that I know my mind is capable of taking me. Just indescribably unfathomable to me that a few pills -- mostly iron and vitamin D -- can change a person so profoundly.I got my blood work back and I am no longer in the danger zone of anything. The one thing I have nightmares about, diabetes, was thankfully, praise all gods, not there. My A1c was good. Iron and vitamin D on the rise.

There is just one last thing left to do: fix cholesterol. My LDLs are high and so is total cholesterol (read 263!). Yikes! I have realized the error of my ways. A pizza a day is a not a good meal, who would have thought! That is my comfort food these day and its killing me.

 I have decided to eat cabbage and beans everyday. I like both, in fact, I love beans and I can cook them well. Also, I want to start my physical training too. Strength training of body and mind. While physical training is for my knees and stuff (everything hurts!), I am going to start meditating everyday. This wandering, tortured mind mind needs healing too, the body can only do so much. Going to start with 5 mins and go from there. Let's see how well it goes.

If Only You Knew

 An introvert's curse is that even though solitude is necessary and comforting, it is also an impermeable moat that keeps people out. My moat is my inability to form friendships, especially with other introverts. Always some extrovert or chatty person will pick me, for reasons unbeknownst,  and we will be friends. Yet, I do grieve the loss of those whom I wanted in my life, but due to this fatal flaw, I couldn't. 

If only you knew how much I liked you and disliked your fan following. I never understood where we stood, maybe it was all in my head. I wish I could tell you what I really wanted, how much I struggled internally, and how much sadness I felt when you chose the other one. She is an amazing person, an extrovert of extroverts and I know why it worked for you two. I still regret the day you asked me for that silly game, and I, in my shyness and awkwardness, declined. I should have said yes, but I can't change the past. I am happy you had your group, and take solace in the fact that you will never know I wrote poems for you (can't say much to their merit, but at least I did). I can't image the magnitude of shock you will feel if you ever do.

We will, possibly, in classic me fashion, never meet again. It is close to being an year since I last saw you, and all we will be is people who shared a workspace together for a brief slice of time. In another life though, who knows, you and me try harder.

The evening that brought the shitstorm

 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

I blame my cycle. 

 I finally told my uncle the barbed words my dad threw at me about almost 13 years ago. I am a delayed responder. My brain didn't react the very time he said it, and next day he just shrugged it off. It is unfathomable to me how conveniently everyone has forgotten the hell I was put through. In the words of TS, "the scars from when they pulled me apart." 

It hit him like a bolt, suddenly everything made sense. My running away, my lack of desire to go back, and my distance from everyone. But I know nothing good is going to come out of this. I know exactly how this is going to go down. Dad will make a lot of drama, he will cry, he will drink, he will curse my mom, he will call me and weep etc, but nothing actually will change. It's been done and gone so long that I don't know if things can be fixed. 

I am, dear reader, incapable of forgiveness. I admit it.

I begged my uncle to let it go, made him swear; it just fell on dead ears. He is adamant to "fix" it. There is nothing to fix. That part of my heart died a long time ago, too bad they saw the obituary now. 

I guess I will let you know how this shitstorm went in a few days. 

While we are on the topic, I have never craved hugs before. In my 30 years on this planet, if we remove initial 5, I haven't been hugged much. I think since I was in my teens no one hugged me. Not even my mom. When I was in a relationship, didn't get hugged enough. I don't know what lies ahead but looking too good thus far.

Fall and Rise

 Today, I found a white hair. 

If you are not me, you might just balk at me making a mountain out of this seemingly regular thing. But if you are me, you know how big of an earth shattering instance this is. For context, I check my hair regularly and always exclaim -- not mine -- when I see a white hair anywhere on me. It is the one slap of aging that I dread most. I never claimed I am well adjusted.

Yet, what was truly striking about this one hair was that it was white at the end and black after about an inch. The hair follicle didn't lose pigment permanently, it just lost it for a bit and then recovered. I got my hair cut in August 2023. It is February 2024. This means the damage happened in 2023. Well, my whole being was traumatized in 2023 and all that I went through mentally did show signs physically. I gained 20 pounds in 5 months. I have dark circles even on the corner of my eyes. I have 3-4 friends, and no real close ones. My family tests my limits of patience most times. All the despair, inadequacy, fear, and pain I feel every single day has physical manifestations too. 

It turned black too. It recovered. I can recover too. I am taking supplements everyday, drinking water (who could have guessed that would have helped! XD), and slowly trying to get back to exercise even though all my muscles are killing me. My knees curse me every single day. I hope to do them justice. But I believe I can overcome, it just might take time.

Also, tomorrow is the stupid V day. 30 years, 30 lonely V days. I want to say I hate this day, but I don't. It has no significance for me, whatsoever. Even when I wasn't single, it didn't mean anything. And it will be fine if it never does. I always dreamed of becoming independent and living my own life on my own terms. I have achieved that path. I never prayed or asked for love or a partner. I have realized I felt the happiest (my level, which is always lower than the regular level) when I was at my prime. When my body was functioning great, I looked great, I felt energetic, light and fast, when I went to the gym everyday and gave it my all. That's what I want. I want to complete a marathon, and not just complete, I want to be sub-3 hours. I want to run a 5K in 20mins. That's what I dream of now. I want to wear a long skirt with a beautiful top and feel pretty for myself. I want to lift heavy things and drive myself cross-country. I want to buy a house and a car. I want to see the world and experience new things. Men never fit into my life and maybe they never will, but I never needed them anyways. 

I will recover. I am healing, one day at a time.