Like blood that flows beneath the skin, unseen
the pain of losing us always persists within
fought, bargained, suppressed-- all I tried
but a fleeting reminder of the memories reincarnate it all, burning alive
no slave seems to heal this wound
pressure, bandaging and medicines failed too
They say, let it go, forward is the way
But look, it's all still here, glowing red in my veins
I saw you checked my profile today, and the otherwise angry and frustrating day became lighter for a few moments. Even after 13 years, I remember you and I am sure you have no idea how much you meant to me.
My world was on fire, an implosion that made no sound. The vacuum was sucking me in and I couldn't tell anyone. In those moments, as I was pretending and ignoring everything around me as a numb rock, it was you -- mostly the though of you -- that was always a respite. I saw in you everything I didn't have. The seductive calmness, the honest sparkle of those coffee-colored eyes, and our silly talks were like a tether keeping me sane. The picture of you looking over the ground, radiating peace, is imprinted on my brain. I know you had your own troubles. I wanted more, for things to be deeper than they were, but I just assumed you had enough people and I wasn't even an afterthought in your world. Some may call it a school girl crush, a limerance, or a distraction, but I felt it. Whatever it was, it was pure.
Over the years, from time to time, I look back and see how you are doing. The journey you have been on must have been pretty challenging; I was always happy to see you succeed. I hope your life is joyful and fresh, full of opportunities and purpose. I have always wished you nothing but the best. We might never meet again, but even after all this time, I still hold a piece of you in my heart. I guess it's best that it never came to be more as I probably would have screwed it up.
I often dream of the What Ifs
What if he said this and I said that
What if he too felt the same and told me so
What if I had the courage to take the first steps
What if I had chosen differently
What if he was the one..........
But deep down I know these are fantasies, a coping mechanism of my ever-present state of loneliness. As you know, dear reader (if you exist), that I have always felt incredibly alone. All throughout childhood, youth, and now supposedly mid life. And, I always used to dream of scenarios that were wishful of a happier existence. When I was bullied as a child, called ugly by pretty much everyone, and basically treated poorly by peers and adults alike, I dreamed of an adventure far away from all those folks.
Not much has changed today. I dream of making different decisions that I did. I dream of a past where I was not lonely. I wish I didn't choose him. I wish that he rose up to the challenges and fought for me. I wish I was better so that I didn't hate looking into the mirror. I wish I was not this ball of anxiety and issues that drives everyone away no matter how much I care.
While not much is in my hands, I do know that none of the boys I liked before were right for me. I might not have chosen wisely at first, but I did get around to doing the right thing. I often question if what I felt at the time was love, but it doesn't matter now. None of them could handle the full me and that is OK.
I want a partner who gets me, like core compiler level understanding of my internal code. A person who is brilliant, kind, and loves my humor. I need someone who will enjoy silence with me, the boring side, the workaholic side, but also loves and supports my spontaneity. He understands that I overthink to the degree of ridiculousness and I say things I don't mean, and has the heart to forgive me. Looks have never been a factor in my choice thus far; if only I could post images here, you'd be surprised at my range. Yet, this time, for the lifetime, I want someone who complements me. Looks like he belongs to me. He is my best friend and I am his. I do not want another project to fix, I don't have it in me anymore. I do not want someone I am lukewarm to who grows on me due to my own insecurities and fear of being alone.
I want a companion to share my life with. From the goofy, thrill-seeking side, to the utterly destroyed, wounded and hurt, take my all and carry it with me. I will accept all of you and carry it with you.
That's all.
