Overwhelmed

I have to leave this Friday to attend a thing in Canada, and I am dreading it. Taking a friend with me. She has planned a whole thing of going to 3 national parks and stuff. I don't know why I am dreading it. Suddenly, I feel like I don't want to go. Nothing brings joy anymore.

I have been thinking about how this friend is kinda two-faced. I don't trust such people. I feel like everything is sucky and I am the suckiest. I have been cursing myself for not mastering driving yet. I could've gone alone. Should have gone alone. I want to leave for a week and just disappear in some mountain cabin. I want to throw away my phone and live with no internet access. I dont know what can fix this.

Will I ever be happy?

Living in a Void

 I think there is something wrong with me, in how I conduct myself, that people betray me without consideration. People I gave so much to are now completely over it as they took all they needed. 

 A friend I basically spent a whole year, meeting almost everyday, not only forgot me for a better part of 5 years but also had the audacity to call me at 3AM to ask a question about geostationary orbits! Someone make it make sense. 

A woman for whom I destroyed my knees carrying her shit up and down 3 flights of stairs for 40+ rounds now does not even have to time to get a coffee with me. Her office is 5 mins walk from mine. 

The line is endless...

Now I fear connection. Life seems like a glass bubble. Everyone on the outside thrives, yet I only hear muffled noises of joy.

As the decades seem to fly by, I wonder if I will ever get what I truly wanted -- A person who was just mine. I have waited my whole life to be the priority of someone. Since my childhood, I felt the weight of every passing second, hoping that the one I was waiting for would be the one person I needed. It has now been 31 years, and I am still waiting. Maybe I am asking too much, and maybe that connection only exists in the faded pages of the books I inhaled. Sometimes, I also wonder if I am just unworthy of such a gift. I have no prized beauty or grace, I am a stubby girl who fits nowhere and with no one. All I do is try, and try, and fail. The void inside me grows as I question the very essence of this existence. How did is all go so wrong? Maybe I asked for too much, and lost it all. Or maybe it is just inherited. The women in my family just suffered all their lives. It could simply be an ancestral baggage I carry till I die.

 I want to give up hope completely. I cannot bring myself to read literature anymore. I cannot paint anymore, I cannot draw anymore. Fear is all I feel these days. One step forward, ten steps back. Yet, something inside me still fights. I laugh sometimes at meaningless things. All of this to say, all of me is tired and destroyed, and I don't know how long I have left.