The Floodgates

If you ask me to point it out, I can't. Something is terribly wrong but I don't know what. Since, last week, anything and everything, whether good or bad, is compelling me to cry my eyes out. I don't know why it is so.......... If you look from the outside, it is a good life, I have good family, good job and nice friends. I have decent health and can take care of things on my own. I don't know what happened recently, but for the first time in 7 years I feel like I should just cry and cry and not stop.

There is a hole, a never-ending void in me. I don't know how to fill it or if it can be filled. I don't know what is breaking me, but something is. I am at a stage where nothing matters, nothing that previously bought me joy does so anymore. There is just emptiness.

Things were worse before. In my 25 years of life, I can't point out a year that wasn't tough. Soul was stripped, gut punched, stabbed in the back, but I kept fighting on. But now, when things are at least normal, I feel only sadness. I run from people, then cling to then, and then run again. 

I have no solution, no one to talk to, so I wrote to you. I know I won't get a reply but I hope the universe will help out in someway so that I can close these floodgates again.

2018

Turbulent: the perfect word for this year so far. I honestly have no idea why so much happened. The start was good, it brought a promise of new possibilities and new friendships. The roller coaster was going up and up. Memorable time spent with good friends, even though the job was becoming more taxing and I had more responsibilities. Then gravity took it's toll. Everything that goes up, must come down, and so did my world. I realized not everything is as it looks, people aren't what they claim to be. No matter how much one thinks one knows a person, there are bound to be surprises.

The friendships that I began to cherish turned out to be rotten and toxic traps. I walked. I got over them. However, I wasn't unscathed. Everything was now up to examination: HOW DID I NOT SEE? HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND? If it is one thing I have always trusted, it is my judgement of people's character. My judgement has saved me all these years, but this year shook my belief. I no longer trust a person or my understanding of them. I think my model needs more feedback to be stronger.

The damage incurred this year did one thing good; it broke my complacency. I was adjusting to my new life, enjoying it even. But this is not my destination. It is not how I want to it settle. All this chaos helped me gain my perspective and re-imagine what I wanted my life to be.....

So, 2018 thank you for everything. All the good times and the bad. All the people I got to know. They were all lessons and I hope I am better prepared for life. Heartbreak was terrible, and I am still picking up the pieces, but I do hope I will mend one day and there won't be much scar tissue. 

Friendships Lost

WOW, this year has been a true roller-coaster ride. The highs were truly high and the lows were like gut punches. I lost two really important friendships this year. We'll probably never speak again. It took me days to accept it, I don't think I have fully accepted it yet. Not going to play the blame game here, let's just say it was meant to happen. However, I do accept it hurt like hell. And who can I complain to? Who will understand? There is no one.

If you are reading this, do pick your friends wisely.  

The Last Good Day

Relationships often start and end without warning. They are bonds which often take years to develop, however, sometimes all it takes is a sentence to end them for good. All that is left behind is memories, of good times and bad, of times when you really felt lucky that you met the other person and of times when you question the very judgement of befriending that person. In all of this, there is often taht one moment, that last moment just before the downward spiral starts, when everything is still good, even better than usual. That is the last good day. It is only in retrospect do we recognize that day.

The last good day is when everything is as it is suppposed to be. There is calm and peace, just like moments before a storm. However, it is impossible to distinguish this as any different from the other days. I recently lost a friendship (friend is fine, just not a friend anymore). I still remember the last good day. It was a party. A special party for him. Both of us went out with a group of our friends. We sta in a toy car and surprisingly fit in! We kept sitting there and talking crap till the guard shooed us away. We ate a lot and stayed out all night. I still fondly remember sitting with him in that park talking about life and death (yeah, not realy party topics, but....). I will always remember the twilight when we walked home. I don't know if it was real premonition or just me conjuring up stuff, but when we stood outside my house and he said goodbye, I had a feeling in my stomach. I can't really explain it, but I knew it was probably too good to be true. I really trusted him and what happened afterwards really shook me as a person, I took a while to come back from that. He was someone who I thought really understood me, at least the part of me I let him see. Alas, in the end, it was too good to be true...... I really need to fine tune my judgement of people and character.

He now exists only as a memory and a lesson for me. Nothing more. Probably less. When I see him today, all I feel is regret. But I don't think I can regret that day. It was the last good day.

Impulse : The Real Crime of Youth

Youth brings with itself an energy. This energy is powerful, like being on a high, all-consuming. With its energy and vitality, youth also brings impulsiveness. Young people often forsake consequences to follow whatever the heart says. However, reality, in most cases, does catch up and what is left is nothing but regret.

25

In about 2 days, I will complete 25 years on this planet. I am not happy to report that I have not accomplished anything worth doing in this life. It's a burden, a burden I carry while being a burden myself. There is no meaning to existence but mine is particularly meaningless. It was not an unhappy childhood, but I was unhappy. On a regular basis, I thought of ways to run away. I'd imagine these different scenarios where I could find the escape and at least have a chance at a fresh start. Through these years, things have not turned out for the better. Every day is a battle, and it chips at my heart. There were tough times and tougher times topped with disappointment and failure. On the surface, everything seems fine. Good family, enough of everything, yet something is amiss and always has been. People scare me, even those who I know genuinely care for me. I push them away. I don't deserve them. Probably, it's just me, I can't accept happiness.  Anyhow, it doesn't matter now.......

I don't know!!!!!

Having spent almost 25 years on this rotating sphere, I often question the point of it all. While reading a study on how humans are hardwired to respect authority, even when they know they are doing harm, the whole concept of "free will" seemed moot. What do we gain? What is gain? Isn't this all just chaos?

Here I am spending my evenings working on a chunk of code that will enable some person somewhere to drive to work and back. He would be enabling some other pointless activity by his work and this chain has no apparent end or reason.

Yet, what do 7 billion people do if not work? What is work? What is life?