Words, or for that matter language, are probably the best invention of humankind. While, I have spent hours, months and years devouring words from some of the greatest leaders, writers, thinkers and scientist it is you whose words or the lack thereof, that befuddles me. Today is new year's day and I spent it contemplating the fate of our relationship. While we both know that it will end one day, sooner rather than later, it is the end date which remains to be decided. At the risk of sounding mean and contemptuous, I must confess that I always knew in my heart that you are not it. Far from it. Don't get me wrong, certain qualities of yours drew me to you, and have kept me in this limbo this long. I may not know exactly what I want, but I do know that you are not the one for me. One sentence from you trying to control my life ruined everything else. Don't you get it, I am not the girl who will cede control of her life to a man? You know my story (well, parts of it...) well enough to know that I have fought tooth and nail for the freedom I have. It has been the damn theme of my existence, not a battle but a war I have been waging since the day I was born. I thoroughly fail to understand how the neurons in your brain couple this knowledge to the action of saying, "I don't want you to do XYZ". Seriously, how????
Admittedly, I am inconsistent and unpredictable sometimes. I do have some deep-seated insecurities which I have projected onto you in the past. I agreed I have caused you pain. However, you have always made me question your love for me. Till today, I can't say for sure why you say you love me? Is it because of your conservative values? Is it because your crush dumped you and I was the rebound waiting in line? Are you even sure you are in love? Do you even know what love is?
A partner for me is one I can rely on. I don't expect them to solve my problems or ease my life, but I do expect them to be the wall I can rest my back against when times get tough. All my life I have just wanted one person, one in a pool of 7 billion, just one person to be unconditionally on my team. One person who would pick me over anyone else time and time again. You chose to attend a former colleague's wedding instead of spending time with me, my last few days in that town. You have picked me when it was convenient to do so. Sometimes I feel whatever this is "thing" that we have is just because you don't have anyone else.
I know that this "thing" that we have between us won't survive until next year. Although, I am concerned about the end. Will it be amicable? Doubtful. Will we remain friends? Will you hate me? Most likely. Maybe I do deserve your hate, but my heart won't be able to see you hurt. So, my dear, when the time comes please don't hesitate to hate me. Burn my effigies. Stick needles in my voodoo dolls. Do whatever will help you get over this, but don't shrink. Don't go into the downward spiral I saw you sink in last time something like this happened to you. Maybe, I am the one to blame in all this as I initiated everything. I have always felt like I dragged you into this and now I am being cowardly by backing out. Just believe me when I say that it is honestly for the best that this ends. I don't want to make your life miserable and I know myself enough to know that I am highly capable of it. Maybe I didn't understand love. Forgive me if possible, but do move on in any case.
Admittedly, I am inconsistent and unpredictable sometimes. I do have some deep-seated insecurities which I have projected onto you in the past. I agreed I have caused you pain. However, you have always made me question your love for me. Till today, I can't say for sure why you say you love me? Is it because of your conservative values? Is it because your crush dumped you and I was the rebound waiting in line? Are you even sure you are in love? Do you even know what love is?
A partner for me is one I can rely on. I don't expect them to solve my problems or ease my life, but I do expect them to be the wall I can rest my back against when times get tough. All my life I have just wanted one person, one in a pool of 7 billion, just one person to be unconditionally on my team. One person who would pick me over anyone else time and time again. You chose to attend a former colleague's wedding instead of spending time with me, my last few days in that town. You have picked me when it was convenient to do so. Sometimes I feel whatever this is "thing" that we have is just because you don't have anyone else.
I know that this "thing" that we have between us won't survive until next year. Although, I am concerned about the end. Will it be amicable? Doubtful. Will we remain friends? Will you hate me? Most likely. Maybe I do deserve your hate, but my heart won't be able to see you hurt. So, my dear, when the time comes please don't hesitate to hate me. Burn my effigies. Stick needles in my voodoo dolls. Do whatever will help you get over this, but don't shrink. Don't go into the downward spiral I saw you sink in last time something like this happened to you. Maybe, I am the one to blame in all this as I initiated everything. I have always felt like I dragged you into this and now I am being cowardly by backing out. Just believe me when I say that it is honestly for the best that this ends. I don't want to make your life miserable and I know myself enough to know that I am highly capable of it. Maybe I didn't understand love. Forgive me if possible, but do move on in any case.
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