Putting Yourself Out There

I can't emphasize enough how much that sucks, to be honest. We take our hearts, bare it out and end up hurt. The punch in the gut. The feeling of never being good enough. The hope is gone and all you're left with is the knowledge that you are meant to be alone. 

Putting yourself out there is just as gut wrenching and scary as it is uncomfortable. I was happy in my shell, I was fine being alone and in my bubble. Why? I didn't even want to go. Now, I will live with this rejection. The newfound pain that I didn't even ask for. Why? Why did I do this? It sucks really bad and I don't think I can take this. 

Sugar

I never had a problem restricting myself. Self discipline used to be my super power. Well, not anymore. Emotional issues and anxiety issues have made me a slave to bad habits, a procrastinator, an addict of sugar, a lover of junk food, and overall a useless human being. 

The year was 2017. I was riding a high, got a job, moved to a new place and had a fresh start. Despite the starting being a bit rocky, all was well. I started taking a serious look at my health. Running everyday and eating healthy -- not starving, really healthy -- was my new focus. It was a whole new me. 

Everything that goes up, must come down and I was no exception to this rule. The influx of emotions, betrayal, and turmoil that was unleased on me in 2018 shook me to my core. 

Sidebar: You, if you are reading this, know that you were the worst friend I ever had. You broke me. I can't trust anyone anymore. I've never been insulted, disrespected, and hurt by someone who called me a friend before. You should not be reading this, you microplastic of this earth. 

Sidebar end

And hence began the downward spiral. I moved to a new place. Lost all my remaining friends too. This place has been hostile, to say the least. I don't understand it, I'm plagued by my own shortcomings, and deeply unhappy. Failure, be it career or social, is my reality. The worst part is realizing that I can't even control myself. I'm a slave to sugar, coffee, and junk. Eating chocolates like drinking water hasn't helped my already warped appearance.  I'm a cylinder, soon heading to a ball shape. The running injury I had last year hasn't healed and I'm still reeling. I walk, I workout, but can't burn a bad diet is the ultimate truth. 

What am I if I have nothing to offer? What good a human am I? I want me back. I want to heal, to breathe, and to let this burden go. All literature talks about heartbreak at the hands of lovers, but that shit is nothing compared to losingfriends! Look at me, I'm ruined. Was I so bad? What did I do so wrong? 

Maybe I'm doomed to go about this alone. 

"Alone”

BY EDGAR ALLAN POE

From childhood’s hour I have not been

As others were—I have not seen

As others saw—I could not bring

My passions from a common spring—

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow—I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone—

And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—

Then—in my childhood—in the dawn

Of a most stormy life—was drawn

From ev’ry depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still—

From the torrent, or the fountain—

From the red cliff of the mountain—

From the sun that ’round me roll’d

In its autumn tint of gold—

From the lightning in the sky

As it pass’d me flying by—

From the thunder, and the storm—

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view—

Source: American Poetry: The Nineteenth Century (1993)

Poe has the apropos language to describe my life so far. The handful lines of Poe's struck a chord so deep that I almost cried. Sometimes I do wonder how I ended up here, a tired soul in a damaged body encased in pain. As far back as I can remember,  I can only remember my failings. I think I was a happy child, but with each passing day that happiness seeped out if me. My friends were never loyal, my life a downward spiral of struggle. I witnessed first hand what it is like to endure real soul crushing defeat and be the only one to attend the wake. I have always been alone in my sorrow. Truly alone. There has been no one to stand with me.

Reader, I know what you'll say. I acknowledge that many have it way worse than I do. Few have people to stand with them. I agree. But does it really make this OK? 

A part of me is dead. The carefree, jovial, happy girl was replaced with an anxious, sad woman who lives in pain. I'm at a point in life where there is little scope of recovery. With no energy left for picking the places and healing, I'm just trying to get this over with. 

Hurt people hurt people. I'm aware of how I can be abusive towards people I still care about. I protect them from myself as much as I can. Hence, love isn't for me in this life. Nor do I think anyone is waiting. I still think of a companion, someone who can accept me and still love all pieces. But I know that's just the last of human desire left in me.

I feel myself weighed down by the burdens of my insecurities, my failures, my regrets, and my shortcomings. If only I could feel happiness again. If only I could have a friend again. If only I could restart this life and try again.