I cannot keep this up

Have you felt so unsettled that every single part of your being wants to run away from everything, even itself? I want to disintegrate, explode, be free. Sometimes I catch myself not even breathing, in a way holding onto a breath to stop time. This year has brought me to my knees and I am only sinking lower.

In some ways I received a lot, but in many others I have lost everything. A shell, mostly cracked, I don't know how long I can go on. Starting a whole new chapter of life is supposed to be exciting and joyful. But why is it not? Why does it make me feel so alone that I almost don't want to do it? I ran away from everyone and everything. In some ways, I am still running.

I dream of peace, the kind one feels when one is in the middle of the ocean. Float, far and away from everything that is real. Feeling lighter than ever, moving towards no goal. Still, only rocked by the occasional waves. No pull of a tether, no pace to keep. Let me float away, adrift into the abyss; never to be found again.

They try to put their labels: burnout, depression, anxiety, loneliness etc. yet, these are meaningless words for they just pick at the symptoms. The journey which led me here is one too complex for mere description and annotation. How am I to put all I feel in one box? How do I tell another all my miseries? For all who wronged me weren't bad people; good people do bad things all the time. They cut too deep but never realized. I am too proud to admit I was hurt. I want to retain the last thing I have left: my dignity. 

As I sink in my feet, I just do not want these memories. The pain was not worth the momentary good I got. The arrow teared through, a permanent gash, a void never to be filled. All those who praise me now, I do not believe. I know what you did, I remember every word, I cannot forgive. Trust me, I tried, I just cannot forget all that you said and you did. I hope these memories vanish so I don't have relive those moments time and time again. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for me.