How to Live for Joy?

I took a day off and traveled to see the eclipse yesterday. A spry young group of 20-something grad students and my old bones. While feeling immense guilt on the account of missing work, I partly forced myself to go. As a scientist, I know enough to know the causality behind this spectacle, but the subjective experience is something science will never be able to explain. 

Nauseous, red-faced, and partly dehydrated, I sat on a rock cowering under my umbrella to stand witness to this cosmic dance. Awe-inspiring! As the moon moved closer to the sun, the sky became darker as the  wind cooled. The fire of sun's surface, a calming white glow, seemed so surreal that I could not believe what my own eyes. And to think, I would have missed this just because of stupid work that will always be there. 

All my life, I have dreamed of freedom and my own money to make decisions for myself. I wanted to run away from that house and my circumstances to find joy. In this running, I didn't realize that I never learned to find and live with joy. Those twenty-somethings around me -- of all shapes and sizes -- weren't bound by such barriers. Each with their individuality were striving for and living with joy. I don't mean to idealize their lives or discount their challenges; after all, what do I really know about them as they do about me? Yet, I cannot shake this feeling of being bound my own insecurities and hiding in my room. 

I know survival and delayed gratification. I can possibly write a book about sacrifice and fighting to escape toxic situations. I know self-restraint and perseverance. But I don't know joy. I don't know how to look in the mirror and not hate the person. I don't know how to shake to this feeling and dialogue of being unworthy of everything. How can I make this life meaningful for me? The fear of everything, from heights to fire and injury, all have me in a death grip. None of this is helpful and all of this feels suffocating. I don't want to rely on anyone, except myself. 

Somehow, must get myself out of this and into light.