The Life I Wanted to Live

 As I teen who grew up watching Hollywood rom-coms, I dreamed to be like the girls in the big city. I grew up in a big city, but my space in it was tiny. A 6'x6' room was my world for the most part. With caged wings, I just boded time till it was my turn to be free. It took 24 years, but I was finally free. The flight wasn't long then but a massive weight was lifted off me. For the very first time, I felt like I was something. But soon that proved to be a temporary stay, and I flew much farther to my current state in life. 

As a teen, I thought that I will live with a passion for life. Much like the dreams of the 90s, I will travel all over the world, my whole life in a suitcase, chasing all that this world has to offer. I dreamed of fancy dresses and even fancier parties, all to make up for the lack of them in life thus far. A tiny studio in New York City, a classic apartment in Paris or London, will be my abodes. Never one to crave material things, I wanted the experience of somehow feeling like I belonged. 

Dear Reader, I am disappointed to report that none of my dreams have materialized thus far. I will turn 31 this year, and I live in a college town of the US. It's all farm and fields here, no brownstones of NYC in sight anywhere. I have a what most people want, a sort of stable (piecewise stable to be accurate) job in a low crime area. I do not feel like wearing shirts here, let alone fancy dresses. imbibing the Gen Z spirit, I roam around in cargo-pants and cartoon t-shirts. I was fortunate enough to travel to NYC and Paris in 2022, but that was just a blip. I wanted joy, adventure, and purpose. I have nothing. 

All this to say, that life had its own plans, and I just floated along. I question myself almost everyday if this is what I want to be doing? Is this making me happy? Maybe I am so used to surviving that that is all I know. I purposely choose challenges over joy, in the hope that overcoming them will bring me greater joy. They never have. All I feel is numb, isolated, and alone. 

When I close my eyes, I think of myself as an island under the endless sky, slowly drifting away from the known shores. No bridges left, no sailor in sight. What is the point of all of this?