Basic Vanilla

People have been calling me vanilla now! 

I don't drink alcohol as alcoholism runs in my family. It's just inviting the devil on a red carpet. I have never tried drugs or even any of the gentle stuff such as weed, because I am too scared of my own personality. I have no idea what I will say or do and to whom. It may irreparably destroy my life (maybe hyperbole here, but you get the point. It will invite unnecessary drama). My hobbies these days are walking, growing plants, and painting. While I am learning swimming and weight training, I am currently sucking at both. I have no man I am interested in, past or present, alive or fictional. So now I am labeled vanilla. Maybe they are right, but it hurts. It is insulting. Do I have to partake in vices just to be exciting?

What hurts me more is the fact that just because I am a woman, everyone thinks they can tell me that I "need" a boyfriend. The implication here being I need to be laid to fix myself (??????!!!!!!!!!!!!). I am sick of hearing this. I have been especially betrayed when this "friend" of mine said this to me last night. Fuck this! How can you call me a friend and use these adjectives? If you think so low of me, why you are here! I am not going down this route again. I have had it with men telling me this shit and I am done.   

I can do it by myself. I can buy my own car, my own house, my own plants, and support my own life. I can control numbers and manage my failing career somehow. But what I cannot do is control people. Fuck people. You trust someone and this is how they judge. What is this questions of "this is your problem, you don't think anyone is right if you can't see it yourself!" It hurts but I guess I found this out early enough. 

The fundamental flaw of our existence is the very fact that you cannot know what another is truly thinking. No actions, no words, nothing is reliable. A person can be with you for decades and still might think absolutely low of you. I don't want to show you my scars. I just want to be left the fuck alone. I never thought life would turn out to be this way.