I feel like this world is moving, evolving, and I am stuck. Everyone is graduating, leaving this place, yet I am stuck. I am not appreciated here, I am not "prospering" either. Many question my capabilities. I question my capabilities. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Have I tried to leap too far, and somehow ended up hitting my head on the wall? Should I just give up and go home?
Every morning I wake up and struggle to get out of bed. It is mostly because I don't think I have a reason to live for, to move and be something. Most of it is just a vacuum that I float in, untethered. I question all my ideas, thoughts, and now even my memories. Are they all wrong? Fake? Meaningless? Am I just a fraud fooling people? I don't like this life anymore. I don't like myself, I guess I never have. Just a blob of tissues lying static in space and time.
All the people I used to know are gone now. They are happy in their new places, new jobs, and new lives. The ones left will leave in a few months too. These are smart people who found partners, good jobs, and a purpose. I am dumb fuck who is still floating, trying to grasp on anything that will even remotely be mine, making concessions and falling further. An island with no shore. Every interaction feels like a personal insult, a rejection of my ideals, a sharp commentary on my shortcomings, and I am not sure that I can fix anything anymore.
I have ultimately lost this fight. I can't fix things again.
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