Thursday, June 27, 2019

You

You

I don't know if this is love, I just know that I can't stop thinking about you. You are always in my mind, a river which keeps flowing and never ends. I think about all the times we spent together, and how I felt when I was with you, what I should have done differently, what mistakes I made, what did you mean in your last text, and what did you mean when you didn't say anything.

I have never been loved by anyone. I never came this close to anyone. Maybe, I am just naive. Maybe I am just being too juvenile in expecting you to reciprocate. Even though you never said it, I just assumed you loved me. Even when I asked and you denied it, I assumed deep down you felt the same. I wish someone would just come and slap some sense into me. I wish you say that you hate me so I can get some courage to move on.

Please leave me. Please. Otherwise, I know I will screw this friendship so badly that you will hate me for the rest of our lives. I know I am being too hard on you, I know I am driving you crazy. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve someone as messed up as I am. You deserve kindness, you deserve a love that is nurturing. Not this junk that I throw at you.

I am sorry I ever said anything. I am sorry I let all this happen. I am sorry I can't stop this pain. I am sorry I pass it onto you. I am sorry I exist. 

Monday, June 17, 2019

To you.......

You have been the centre of my life for quite some time now.... I don't know when did this start, but I do know how this will end. You came into my life two years back, I didn't think much of it. Slowly, I got to know you. Your innocence in this otherwise vile world was surprising to me. Even though you were my senior, I never left unheard. I don't think in this life I will ever hear someone say something negative about you. You have always welcomed people and never judged. Even though you a man of few words, they are never harsh.

It took me a while to really understand you. Sometimes, I thought you were playing games or trying to be malicious. But boy was I wrong! I know now that you will never be capable of hurting someone like that on purpose, that you just can't think like that. I am sorry I doubted you. I am sorry I pulled away. It took me a while to get clarity.

I trust you more than you will know. I know you will never intentionally hurt me. Your pure heart is what I love about you. I wrote you that letter to tell you that there will always be me, for as long as I shall live, who loves you unconditionally. No matter where we are, how much time has passed and who we are with, there will always be a corner in my heart solely for you. I will always wish you well. 

For now, we are friends, but I know what is coming. This distance between us is my doing, I just had to leave for reasons I can't explain but they had nothing to do with us. I hope every day that one day you will show up at my door and we'll have breakfast again together, but deep down I know that that day might never come. I don't know what the future holds; maybe we'll go our separate ways, or maybe you'll find someone better, maybe this "us" wouldn't be feasible anymore. No matter what happens, I hope you will make the right decision, even if that decision will lead to a life without my friendship in it. All I ever want is for you to be happy. Pick what makes you happy. Please don't ever feel the guilt of not picking me. 

Maybe, when years have passed, our paths will cross again. We will meet like long lost friends and when I ask you how your life has been, I hope you will say it is all great. And then we will go our separate ways again.........



Monday, December 3, 2018

The Floodgates

If you ask me to point it out, I can't. Something is terribly wrong but I don't know what. Since, last week, anything and everything, whether good or bad, is compelling me to cry my eyes out. I don't know why it is so.......... If you look from the outside, it is a good life, I have good family, good job and nice friends. I have decent health and can take care of things on my own. I don't know what happened recently, but for the first time in 7 years I feel like I should just cry and cry and not stop.

There is a hole, a never-ending void in me. I don't know how to fill it or if it can be filled. I don't know what is breaking me, but something is. I am at a stage where nothing matters, nothing that previously bought me joy does so anymore. There is just emptiness.

Things were worse before. In my 25 years of life, I can't point out a year that wasn't tough. Soul was stripped, gut punched, stabbed in the back, but I kept fighting on. But now, when things are at least normal, I feel only sadness. I run from people, then cling to then, and then run again. 

I have no solution, no one to talk to, so I wrote to you. I know I won't get a reply but I hope the universe will help out in someway so that I can close these floodgates again.


Thursday, November 8, 2018

2018

Turbulent: the perfect word for this year so far. I honestly have no idea why so much happened. The start was good, it brought a promise of new possibilities and new friendships. The roller coaster was going up and up. Memorable time spent with good friends, even though the job was becoming more taxing and I had more responsibilities. Then gravity took it's toll. Everything that goes up, must come down, and so did my world. I realized not everything is as it looks, people aren't what they claim to be. No matter how much one thinks one knows a person, there are bound to be surprises.

The friendships that I began to cherish turned out to be rotten and toxic traps. I walked. I got over them. However, I wasn't unscathed. Everything was now up to examination: HOW DID I NOT SEE? HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND? If it is one thing I have always trusted, it is my judgement of people's character. My judgement has saved me all these years, but this year shook my belief. I no longer trust a person or my understanding of them. I think my model needs more feedback to be stronger.

The damage incurred this year did one thing good; it broke my complacency. I was adjusting to my new life, enjoying it even. But this is not my destination. It is not how I want to it settle. All this chaos helped me gain my perspective and re-imagine what I wanted my life to be.....

So, 2018 thank you for everything. All the good times and the bad. All the people I got to know. They were all lessons and I hope I am better prepared for life. Heartbreak was terrible, and I am still picking up the pieces, but I do hope I will mend one day and there won't be much scar tissue. 

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Friendships Lost

WOW, this year has been a true roller-coaster ride. The highs were truly high and the lows were like gut punches. I lost two really important friendships this year. We'll probably never speak again. It took me days to accept it, I don't think I have fully accepted it yet. Not going to play the blame game here, let's just say it was meant to happen. However, I do accept it hurt like hell. And who can I complain to? Who will understand? There is no one.

If you are reading this, do pick your friends wisely.  

Saturday, August 4, 2018

The Last Good Day

Relationships often start and end without warning. They are bonds which often take years to develop, however, sometimes all it takes is a sentence to end them for good. All that is left behind is memories, of good times and bad, of times when you really felt lucky that you met the other person and of times when you question the very judgement of befriending that person. In all of this, there is often taht one moment, that last moment just before the downward spiral starts, when everything is still good, even better than usual. That is the last good day. It is only in retrospect do we recognize that day.

The last good day is when everything is as it is suppposed to be. There is calm and peace, just like moments before a storm. However, it is impossible to distinguish this as any different from the other days. I recently lost a friendship (friend is fine, just not a friend anymore). I still remember the last good day. It was a party. A special party for him. Both of us went out with a group of our friends. We sta in a toy car and surprisingly fit in! We kept sitting there and talking crap till the guard shooed us away. We ate a lot and stayed out all night. I still fondly remember sitting with him in that park talking about life and death (yeah, not realy party topics, but....). I will always remember the twilight when we walked home. I don't know if it was real premonition or just me conjuring up stuff, but when we stood outside my house and he said goodbye, I had a feeling in my stomach. I can't really explain it, but I knew it was probably too good to be true. I really trusted him and what happened afterwards really shook me as a person, I took a while to come back from that. He was someone who I thought really understood me, at least the part of me I let him see. Alas, in the end, it was too good to be true...... I really need to fine tune my judgement of people and character.

He now exists only as a memory and a lesson for me. Nothing more. Probably less. When I see him today, all I feel is regret. But I don't think I can regret that day. It was the last good day.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Impulse : The Real Crime of Youth

Youth brings with itself an energy. This energy is powerful, like being on a high, all-consuming. With its energy and vitality, youth also brings impulsiveness. Young people often forsake consequences to follow whatever the heart says. However, reality, in most cases, does catch up and what is left is nothing but regret.