Sunday, September 16, 2018

Friendships Lost

WOW, this year has been a true roller-coaster ride. The highs were truly high and the lows were like gut punches. I lost two really important friendships this year. We'll probably never speak again. It took me days to accept it, I don't think I have fully accepted it yet. Not going to play the blame game here, let's just say it was meant to happen. However, I do accept it hurt like hell. And who can I complain to? Who will understand? There is no one.

If you are reading this, do pick your friends wisely.  

Saturday, August 4, 2018

The Last Good Day

Relationships often start and end without warning. They are bonds which often take years to develop, however, sometimes all it takes is a sentence to end them for good. All that is left behind is memories, of good times and bad, of times when you really felt lucky that you met the other person and of times when you question the very judgement of befriending that person. In all of this, there is often taht one moment, that last moment just before the downward spiral starts, when everything is still good, even better than usual. That is the last good day. It is only in retrospect do we recognize that day.

The last good day is when everything is as it is suppposed to be. There is calm and peace, just like moments before a storm. However, it is impossible to distinguish this as any different from the other days. I recently lost a friendship (friend is fine, just not a friend anymore). I still remember the last good day. It was a party. A special party for him. Both of us went out with a group of our friends. We sta in a toy car and surprisingly fit in! We kept sitting there and talking crap till the guard shooed us away. We ate a lot and stayed out all night. I still fondly remember sitting with him in that park talking about life and death (yeah, not realy party topics, but....). I will always remember the twilight when we walked home. I don't know if it was real premonition or just me conjuring up stuff, but when we stood outside my house and he said goodbye, I had a feeling in my stomach. I can't really explain it, but I knew it was probably too good to be true. I really trusted him and what happened afterwards really shook me as a person, I took a while to come back from that. He was someone who I thought really understood me, at least the part of me I let him see. Alas, in the end, it was too good to be true...... I really need to fine tune my judgement of people and character.

He now exists only as a memory and a lesson for me. Nothing more. Probably less. When I see him today, all I feel is regret. But I don't think I can regret that day. It was the last good day.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Impulse : The Real Crime of Youth

Youth brings with itself an energy. This energy is powerful, like being on a high, all-consuming. With its energy and vitality, youth also brings impulsiveness. Young people often forsake consequences to follow whatever the heart says. However, reality, in most cases, does catch up and what is left is nothing but regret.

Sunday, May 20, 2018


In about 2 days, I will complete 25 years on this planet. I am not happy to report that I have not accomplished anything worth doing in this life. It's a burden, a burden I carry while being a burden myself. There is no meaning to existence but mine is particularly meaningless. It was not an unhappy childhood, but I was unhappy. On a regular basis, I thought of ways to run away. I'd imagine these different scenarios where I could find the escape and at least have a chance at a fresh start. Through these years, things have not turned out for the better. Every day is a battle, and it chips at my heart. There were tough times and tougher times topped with disappointment and failure. On the surface, everything seems fine. Good family, enough of everything, yet something is amiss and always has been. People scare me, even those who I know genuinely care for me. I push them away. I don't deserve them. Probably, it's just me, I can't accept happiness.  Anyhow, it doesn't matter now.......

Friday, March 23, 2018

I don't know!!!!!

Having spent almost 25 years on this rotating sphere, I often question the point of it all. While reading a study on how humans are hardwired to respect authority, even when they know they are doing harm, the whole concept of "free will" seemed moot. What do we gain? What is gain? Isn't this all just chaos?

Here I am spending my evenings working on a chunk of code that will enable some person somewhere to drive to work and back. He would be enabling some other pointless activity by his work and this chain has no apparent end or reason.

Yet, what do 7 billion people do if not work? What is work? What is life? 

Saturday, November 25, 2017

I need my desk

Since, as long as I can remeber, I have had a desk. First, it was red plastic table with a matching red chair. Then as I grew out of that, it was an ironing board which doubled up as my table. Finally I got a wooden table with a wooden chair. For the past 10 years, that was my (0,0,0,x) position for x>=16 hours a day. I imagined, I learned and I slaved at that place. I used to complain about the little imperfections that made up my desk. The sharp edge sometimes scratched my hand; the lack of a drawer annoyed me. Furthermore, I sometimes detested the outmoded styling of it. It looks like something out a 60's movie.However, no matter how much I complain, that is my ground zero. That was my place.

Now that I am in a place far away from home, away from my desk, I realize the void it has left. I miss the stack of books I kept on the left and my little wooden pen stand which had drawings of tigers and other animals of Corbett National Park. I miss the etchings I made when I felt like my world was collapsing.

These days I do have a desk at work but I don't think I'll ever feel that connection with it. I miss my desk because despite it's imperfections it was perfect for me.

Saturday, November 18, 2017


I don't know where this is headed. This world, this life, and this girl. At this point, where nothing is wrong, yet everything somehow feels terribly wrong, I am just grappling for some sanity. At the end of the day, we are all alone. Loneliness is a part of existing. I don't fear or fight it. However, I do feel there must be a break from it. A real break, and not just a temporary fix of surrounding oneself with people. It is not even a fix and more of an exacerbation of the issue because then one realizes that one has become more lonely. How do you find the escape? Is there an escape from all this?

If you are reading this, I'd like to apologize to you. For some time now, I have not been able to form a coherent thought. I've been writing these chaotic "diary entries" of sort and I don't know why. I guess they are my release. If they leave you feeling equally perturbed, I suggest you ignore them or write your own. 

I am sorry once again.

Do share your thoughts with me. Thanks.