I cannot keep this up

Have you felt so unsettled that every single part of your being wants to run away from everything, even itself? I want to disintegrate, explode, be free. Sometimes I catch myself not even breathing, in a way holding onto a breath to stop time. This year has brought me to my knees and I am only sinking lower.

In some ways I received a lot, but in many others I have lost everything. A shell, mostly cracked, I don't know how long I can go on. Starting a whole new chapter of life is supposed to be exciting and joyful. But why is it not? Why does it make me feel so alone that I almost don't want to do it? I ran away from everyone and everything. In some ways, I am still running.

I dream of peace, the kind one feels when one is in the middle of the ocean. Float, far and away from everything that is real. Feeling lighter than ever, moving towards no goal. Still, only rocked by the occasional waves. No pull of a tether, no pace to keep. Let me float away, adrift into the abyss; never to be found again.

They try to put their labels: burnout, depression, anxiety, loneliness etc. yet, these are meaningless words for they just pick at the symptoms. The journey which led me here is one too complex for mere description and annotation. How am I to put all I feel in one box? How do I tell another all my miseries? For all who wronged me weren't bad people; good people do bad things all the time. They cut too deep but never realized. I am too proud to admit I was hurt. I want to retain the last thing I have left: my dignity. 

As I sink in my feet, I just do not want these memories. The pain was not worth the momentary good I got. The arrow teared through, a permanent gash, a void never to be filled. All those who praise me now, I do not believe. I know what you did, I remember every word, I cannot forgive. Trust me, I tried, I just cannot forget all that you said and you did. I hope these memories vanish so I don't have relive those moments time and time again. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for me.

What can I say

 The world feel faded, the body feels heavier. My muscles will give way, letting the entire viscera fall to the ground. It's as if my whole being is being held together with shreds.

 

Less than a week to go, for this tumultuous journey. I wish I could say its victory, I wish I could rejoice in its end. Yet, I all I am is numb. Inside and out, just numb. Poke me and I'll disintegrate into a billion pieces. I was running from my reality when I began, now I must stop and accept. Wounded beyond repair, little sheen remains. 30 odd years I spent on this planet of which only 3 were worth living. I am tired to my bones. The only thought that remains: What am I fighting for? How long can I fight? I don't know anymore. All I can do is grieve my youth.

In the four years here, I have nothing to show for myself. No great accomplishments, no prized connections. If I had to live it all over again, I won't! Every single aspect of my being has been tested. Even though I may be breathing, I am not living. They call it depression, I call it survival for how much can the brain bear? It protects me from the pain by turning it all off, leaving me in a void. I am not strong enough to continue. The calm is temporary. My dreams are tortured.

With no end in sight, I am doomed to live out my days here. Hoping for a savior is futile, I know. New problems await to be solved. I know I can live out the rest of the days alone too. I know I can endure, if and only if, I can turn the clock back by 5 years. The damage has compounded, and I can't pay the interest. I often claim to live for my mother, for she won't survive if I don't. But how true is that? Is it just my cowardly excuse?

Why did this all go so wrong? The dominoes fell and look at the end. Each and every one I held close, pulled me apart little by little. I might look whole, it is but a shell. Look closely, and you may see the seams. Nothing has healed, still writhing in pain. This year, particularly, my laughter has died too. I tried to reclaim it, but decayed to earth. Never will I complain, for there is no to listen. Most will be surprised to read that is my inner life. 

How much longer do I have? 6 months or 30 more years. I don't even want 6 more seconds. Take me back and renew me. My soul is sick of this tomb. Pull me apart one last time so it can all end. I know it is selfish to ask. They will suffer too. But isn't one shot suffering better than a life long sore? Soon I'll just be nothing but a faint memory in their lives, a photo in some corner covered in dust. Maybe my brother will remember some silly instances, and my mom will cry. Uncle will be lost, and dad.... nevermind. I apologize in advance, my family, you deserved better. What can I give you? A empty vessel has nothing. 

If I must endure, I shall seek some healing. Not sure what they can do, but cant hurt me more, can they? I wanna know what I could have been, the full potential of me. If there were no wounds, no fights, no slights. If those people hadn't done what they did, If I picked wisely and ran away from evil. I want to know that me! I guess she will have immense pity for me.

Him

The day of June,

We met under fluorescent lights,

my attempts at connection hit a high wall,

I inadvertently rejected him too 

Fate pushed us close, even if it was superficial

Spent days under the yellow tinted skies

in those little moments, I saw him

both fighting our own fights, 

the tide was against us

I reached, maybe not far enough

he held, intermittently, 

but let go so abruptly.

We adapted, I gave up

It's all over now

Never once he realized I needed help too

Never once he offered

I wish him well

His fight is over, he earned his rest

We are headed for opposite ends

 I am curious though

How will you remember me?

Will you?

meaningless

 We die trying to prove the worth of our salt,

and for what!

We fight to live another day,

and for what!

No glory awaits us

No throne of gold lies empty

Just a fool's desire to die for other's fight

blinding all 

Chasing what will never be ours

we betray those who were dear

Lost in this maze till the very end

Trapped in shackles of fear

False hope fuels this mindless hunt

Few will make it till the end

A Pyrrhic victory awaits those 

In the graveyard of dreams dead

regret

 you said you saw you in me

that's how we began

a lot of words

almost a small lifetime spent 

over coffee and laughs silly

among the stars

 

You saw a part of me

I kept hidden, almost buried

you said you understood

I laid my heart bare

nights spent discussing the days dailys

your misfortunes

my sarcasm

seemed like a perfect match

We lost track of time

every time

I thought it was one-of-a-kind

It's been a year since

I first laid eyes on you

the very first time we forgot there was a world outside us two

Now all I have is pain

the voice I longed to hear

is now one I dread

I thought it was pure, but it was rotten

all I have is regret

 

You picked the crack 

you knew would fissure the worst

the jabs didn't stop

you turned it into a caustic hell

What did I do to deserve that?

Tell me, was it how much I cared

or was it too honest for your shallow self

Is it all I meant to you

8 hours is all it took for you to seek another

I had to walk away

the ashes of what it was

chocked me, me gasping for some breath

 

Meaningless for you, haunting for me

I hope you get exactly what your deserve

 

 

Putting Yourself Out There

I can't emphasize enough how much that sucks, to be honest. We take our hearts, bare it out and end up hurt. The punch in the gut. The feeling of never being good enough. The hope is gone and all you're left with is the knowledge that you are meant to be alone. 

Putting yourself out there is just as gut wrenching and scary as it is uncomfortable. I was happy in my shell, I was fine being alone and in my bubble. Why? I didn't even want to go. Now, I will live with this rejection. The newfound pain that I didn't even ask for. Why? Why did I do this? It sucks really bad and I don't think I can take this. 

Sugar

I never had a problem restricting myself. Self discipline used to be my super power. Well, not anymore. Emotional issues and anxiety issues have made me a slave to bad habits, a procrastinator, an addict of sugar, a lover of junk food, and overall a useless human being. 

The year was 2017. I was riding a high, got a job, moved to a new place and had a fresh start. Despite the starting being a bit rocky, all was well. I started taking a serious look at my health. Running everyday and eating healthy -- not starving, really healthy -- was my new focus. It was a whole new me. 

Everything that goes up, must come down and I was no exception to this rule. The influx of emotions, betrayal, and turmoil that was unleased on me in 2018 shook me to my core. 

Sidebar: You, if you are reading this, know that you were the worst friend I ever had. You broke me. I can't trust anyone anymore. I've never been insulted, disrespected, and hurt by someone who called me a friend before. You should not be reading this, you microplastic of this earth. 

Sidebar end

And hence began the downward spiral. I moved to a new place. Lost all my remaining friends too. This place has been hostile, to say the least. I don't understand it, I'm plagued by my own shortcomings, and deeply unhappy. Failure, be it career or social, is my reality. The worst part is realizing that I can't even control myself. I'm a slave to sugar, coffee, and junk. Eating chocolates like drinking water hasn't helped my already warped appearance.  I'm a cylinder, soon heading to a ball shape. The running injury I had last year hasn't healed and I'm still reeling. I walk, I workout, but can't burn a bad diet is the ultimate truth. 

What am I if I have nothing to offer? What good a human am I? I want me back. I want to heal, to breathe, and to let this burden go. All literature talks about heartbreak at the hands of lovers, but that shit is nothing compared to losingfriends! Look at me, I'm ruined. Was I so bad? What did I do so wrong? 

Maybe I'm doomed to go about this alone.